Thankful Thursday #6: Church Family

There are days. And there are times, when we feel so alone. On an island. So far away. No one seems to relate to you. To understand, what you are going through. Nobody, really wants to know.

Then you go somewhere, you have gone for years. And you see these people, that you see weekly. All of a sudden, they become your "comfort zone." That place you fall, when you just can't go, any further. Our Church Family has become just that...

They are more than just the people we see weekly. The ones we pray with. And give peace to. The people we wave to. And smile at. They watch us every single week. The struggles we've carried. The pain on our face. And the sorrow, in our eyes.

We've ALWAYS gone to church. We've known certain people. Really well. For years and years. And others, we would just see at church. Wave at them. Smile. Give peace to. But we never knew their names. Never really talked to them. We knew very little about them.

And they were there, for my Mom and I, when no one else was. It was a struggle. The first time we went to church, after my Dad's passing. It had been just over 36 hours. Nothing felt right. Life was a blur. And all we did was cry...

Everything reminded us, of my Dad. And complete strangers, came and sat next to us. Held us. Let us cry. Comforted us. Prayed for us...

Before we knew it, people were taking us under their wings. Protecting us, as best as they could. They were living out God's words. The things we heard every week, in church. Now, they were living it.

And it has honestly, been such a comfort, every single week...to go to church. There are still tears. There is still a feeling of loss. And of heartache. But we are surrounded by the most AMAZING people!

We now see, lots of these people, during the week. Out in the community. Or they come by the house. On the bad days, they are comforting. Or like our deacon, try and make us smile. They have brought us food. Offered to help with yard work. And mostly, prayed for us.

It's funny. Really it is. Growing up, I always thought, going to church made our family stronger. It made us closer. It helped our love, flourish. But in reality, we were making our church stronger. Our faith made us strong. But our family, has made our church, such a strong and beautiful place.

You see, a church, is just a building. It's a place people go to worship. But when people are not there, it's just a building. It's the families, that go there, that make it strong. It's all the time, love, and prayer, that people put in, that make it such a strong place.

And somehow, all that work we put into the church...for all those years, is coming back to us. In terms of, people who love and care about us. If we miss a day at church, they are concerned. They come and look for us. If they notice, something is wrong, they try to make it right. They are always looking out for us.

And honestly, through this entire journey, it's been our church family...that has held us together. During my Dad's illness, they prayed for us. Our priest would visit us regularly. When we'd go to church, they'd help us. Hold the door open. Get my Dad into church. Give a reassuring hug.

Over the last few months, it's been about care, comfort, and compassion. Something that our own family, has not shown us. Just goes to show, how close we really are. To these people, that we sit and pray with, every Sunday.

During the last 10 months, we've become more involved in church. We've gone on pilgrimages. Donated more time, to church. Become more involved. Supported the various groups. And in return, have become closer to these people. And to God.

It's not always easy. Life is hard. Losing loved ones, is almost impossible, to deal with. But God provides us, with exactly, what we need. Exactly, when we need it.

There are still familiar faces, with no names attached to them. But there are so many supportive hugs. Nice conversations. And so much prayer, that little things like names, don't matter. I truly, Thank God, for our Church Family! ❤

Fabulous Friday #6: Time for a Cut

I've just been feeling it. In my bones. It's time for a haircut. Not just a little trim. But a real cut. I've ALWAYS had long hair. ALWAYS!

The first time, I really chopped my hair off, I was in high school. A senior. Right about to leave for Florida. I thought, this is the chance. I was going to be in Florida, for something like 10 days. Then I was going to come back home, late in the evening. Early the next morning, I was headed to my state capital. For another 5 days.

This was my chance. And I chopped off my hair! It went from "past my bottom," to "just above my shoulders." I LOVED it! Even if one of my best friends, told me a looked like a mom. I didn't care! And I also managed to hide it from my parents. By the time I returned from my travels, it was halfway down my back! That's the thing, my hair grows fast. And has a fascination, with this same length. Right around the small of my back.

So I let me hair grow. From May, until October. When I was away at college, I went to one of those places in a strip mall. I paid $6, with my college ID. And I chopped it off again! This time, to just under my ears.

I LOVED it! I could get ready in minutes. When you are in college, that is a HUGE plus! So there I was, in LOVE with short hair. I think I let it grow out slightly, before the holidays. But in the Spring it returned. Just above the shoulders. And I managed to maintain a shorter hairstyle, until the following Summer.

I have sadly, been in a rut, for years now. At least, when I was actively performing, I would get a good haircut, every couple of months. But here, is were I get honest. It's been 27 months, since I last cut my hair. And that was just a trim!

For the last few months, I've had this itch. Just to go, chop it all off! My friends even sent me a gift certificate, for Christmas. It's still in the Christmas card, at the bottom of my purse. But really, it's time.

You see, I have a love-hate relationship, with my hair. When I was younger, I really did LOVE my hair. It was super thick. I could manage a little wave-like curl. For cheerleading, I could use the sponge rollers...and get "that look." It was love. Then my hair started to thin. It has gotten uncooperative. And well, we are at a "Hate" stage.

My older sisters, have this beautiful curly hair. Spiral curls. Only one of them, maintains her locks. And she has the most gorgeous, bouncy curls. Me? I've got frizzy hair. Poofy hair. Let's say, it reminds me of a Chia Pet, on most days...

There is nothing extra special, about my hair. My Mom has pin straight hair. My Dad had crazy curly locks. And me? I'm not sure what happened. When I was under 13, my hair was long, straight, and dark. Almost black. Over the years, it's gotten lighter in color, crazier in texture, and thinned.

But I can't always hate  my hair. And let's be honest, I do enjoy looking nice. My "go-to" bun, for the OR...has slowly transformed, into a messy "up-do," most days. During the warmer months, I might do a little braid near the front, and up it all goes. But it is time, for a more "Grown Up" style.

Nothing too fancy. If I'm feeling a little more fancy, or have some time on my hands, I might straighten my hair. Maybe put hot rollers on. Perhaps, get a curling iron out. But that's it. And I'm kind of tired of it all. I want something a little more, well styled. Put together. Grown up...

So I've been looking at tons of pictures. Been paying more attention to hairstyles. Asking nurses, what works best with surgical caps. That sort of thing. I might have also asked a couple of colleagues, what they like. Here are a couple of ideas, that I'm liking...

I really do like this haircut. I like the structure of it. The idea, that there is a bit of style. The long bangs. The length. But it seems too comfy. Similar, in many ways, to what I already have...

Again, I like the length. The texture. The idea of many layers. It gives some flair. Has some style. But isn't too crazy. It's also very comfortable. I think I cut my hair like this, when I was in medical school. But sort of, more "dressed up."

Yup, I do like this more "messy" look. A little more "I just rolled out of bed." It doesn't matter if it's not perfect. But it still looks nice. Like I might actually, be making some sort of an effort...

I think the reason I'm drawn to this hairstyle, has more to do with the bangs. I like that idea. I have a pretty large forehead. And probably could use some help. I also like the slightly messy look.

 

I really like this hairstyle. It's messy. Like me. Imperfect. But still looks somewhat "put together." Yup, I like it. My only question is, does it look too much, like the "Rachel?" 

 



This is one of those hairstyles, I've like for a while. Like I cut out a picture, and stuck it in my purse. Maybe I'll go cut my hair. Doesn't look too time consuming. Might actually work, with my natural texture. You know, on the days, when you just add some hair product, and run out the door. This is on my short list...

Everything about this style, is appealing to me. The cut, is something fun. Outside of my comfort zone. The color, I like it! It makes me actually want, to go color my hair. Which I've never done before. And probably should. My skin tone is pretty similar. So I'm thinking, it couldn't be a complete disaster.

And that appeal of short hair. It keeps coming back. But is this too short, for my round face? Will I look ridiculous? I like the idea of short hair. More structure. But will I be able, to maintain this?

This is probably my favorite of all! I LOVE the length! I LOVE the idea of a little bit of bangs and layers. Not to mention, it's not completely structured. It has some movement. And really, who is going to know, if every piece of hair, isn't doing what it's supposed to? This just might be it!

What do you guys think? What should I do? Especially, if you know me in real life. Let me know. Leave me a comment. Send me a message. Please help! I'm ready for some change. My hair, seems like the perfect place to start! ❤

Music Monday #5: Be Not Afraid

I'm a very religious person! It really has carried me, through some of the toughest times. Some of my darkest days. And through some of life's biggest struggles. I've ALWAYS leaned on my Lord. He is my rock, my salvation, my BFF!

And during the difficult days, of my Dad's illness, there was no one, I leaned on more. I'm so glad, my parents, helped me to form this relationship. It really carried me, through those dark days. As I watched my Dad, slowly going to be with our Lord, I needed my BFF!

My Dad became so close to our Lord, in his last year. He'd ALWAYS had a good relationship with our Lord. He LOVED going to church. He praised God. Sang in church. And ALWAYS listened so closely, to God's words. I can still see him in church. Hands held tightly together, eyes closed, deep in prayer.

In the days following my Dad's passing, it was a real struggle. My Dad went to be with our Lord, on a Friday night. Life was a blur. My birthday, the following day. It didn't matter to me. But on Sunday morning, my Mom and I, woke up. Bright and early. And headed to church.

I sat in my Dad's seat. It is where I felt closest to him. And still do! We cried. The. Entire. Time! We met friends, that had prayed for us. People that we didn't know by name. But they had helped us, talked to us, and prayed for us...for years! All of a sudden, they were there to catch us. As we were falling, they were catching us!

It's been over 10 months. And there are days when I think, I got this grief thing, under control. And then something so simple, will have me on the floor. Curled up in a ball. Tears streaming from my eyes. My heart, in a million pieces!

There is no book on grief. Really, there isn't. I don't care how many Amazon carries! We all grieve, in a different way. It takes people through different journeys. We struggle. In a large sense, we go through similar emotions. Pain, hurt, anger. We feel similar feelings. If you go by the 5 Stages of Grief...denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance...we walk similar paths.

But no two paths, are the same. Just like no two relationships are the same. Each day, is new and different. Each emotion, sends us down a different path. We learn, daily, how to get through this life...without our loved ones.

  This song, is a great example of that. My Mom and I, can go days...sometimes a couple of weeks...without that hard crying. Then we go to church. And hear this song. And it's game over for us! That happened yesterday...

It was your typical Sunday. We were in church. The readings started the tears. Both of us, had tear filled eyes. But we could control it. Then the first few chords of this song, sent us over the edge. It's OK. And I'm not ashamed to sit there and cry. It's all part of the process. It's part of losing my Daddy. It's part of loving him too!

You see, for years and years, we sang this in church. It brings back those memories. But then, if you really think about the words, it hits me in the heart! It just speaks directly to me. And to the journey we were on. That we are still on.

In those last few months, it was mostly my Daddy and I. For most of the day. My Mom had to work. She had to! We had a business to run. It's not easy to juggle all of this! But we were trying to make it. And my Daddy and I, we'd talk. A LOT! He was so worried, about my Mom and I. He didn't want to leave us. He LOVED us, so very much!

I learned so much about my Daddy! About his true character. What this man, who he truly was. I thought I had known, before. But I really was learning. I was learning about his relationship with God. What really mattered to him. How hard, he truly loved!

It was then, that this song, came to mind. We'd listen to it. He'd sing it. And later, as he got sicker, I'd sing it to him. I don't know how to explain it, but one day, I just saw it. The look in his eyes was different. He had accepted, the next chapter of life. Eternal life.

But there was still fear there. A fear, that I'd never seen. A look I'd never seen. And a love, that I'd never felt. So I'd sing this to my Daddy. I'd hold him. And we'd cry. I would tell him, not to be afraid. That I would take care of him. Protect him. And I would ALWAYS be there for him!

It was during this time, that these words, really rang true. "Be not afraid. I go before you always. Come follow me, and I will give you rest." My Dad, he lived a long, and tough life. He was the true rock, of our entire family! His wife, children, nieces, nephews, cousins, friends, and grandchildren, they all meant the world to him! There isn't anything, he wouldn't try to do for any of us! He never turned people away. He supported everyone! He wanted to help every person he could! He worked from 3AM-9PM, daily. For as long as I can remember.

Our Lord, calling my Daddy home, was just like these lyrics. It had been a difficult road. Cancer, had turned this strong man, into this soft man. He couldn't do for himself. And depended on my Mom and I, for everything. It was his time, to go home. To rest. To rejoice. To enjoy, the fruits of his labor. And to meet, his Best Friend...

I might just cry, every single time, I hear this song. From now, until I die. But for me, it has true meaning. From the heart. Something that my Lord, made possible. To see the relationship between him, and my Daddy. To feel the love. To let my Daddy know, I'd ALWAYS be here for him! ❤

Thankful Thursday #4: 52 Week Savings Plan

Let's get real here. Money is that thing, that everyone wants. And no one wants to talk about! It's real. It's serious. It hard earned. Most of the time. And, well it keeps the world moving.

Just a handful of years ago, I was working a job. A residency, that provided well for me. Regardless of the relationship I was in, I could easily support myself. I had a home, that was paid for. A car that was paid for. My needs met. Bills paid. And money in my savings account. I was also only in my mid twenties.

That would all change. When my Dad got sick, I dropped everything! And I mean everything. A relationship, my job, friends, my home, my future. And I came home. To my hometown. Where I could continue to work. Albeit, part time. But I was working.

The sicker my Dad got, the less work I was doing. I went from 110+ hours a week. To barely 20 hours a week...in just a matter of months. Along with less work, there was more need for money. My Dad's medical costs kept rising. The costs of maintaining his business, were extremely large!

You see, it was my older brother, trying to cripple the business. The rest of us, trying to survive the crisis. More money was going out, than coming in. So I picked up the pieces. And before I knew it, that almost 6 figure savings, was quickly shrinking.

Then, there was the cost of the medical bills. My Dad had amazing insurance! Which helped with so much. But to be sick. To be chronically ill, and fighting for your life. It costs. And it costs big bucks. For the first 3 months of last year, his hospital bill alone, hit 2 million dollars. We were responsible for a small portion of that. But still, that small portion, was a great amount. That doesn't include doctors, prescriptions, specialists, Home Care, and so much supplies!

In my Dad's final weeks of life, his medication costs were through the roof! Let me tell you, we ran right through my parents' savings. And mine! When you are making trips to Walgreen's, two and three times a week. At $400 a time, it adds up. And quickly!

I am the youngest in my family. Nine kids in total. I'm the ONLY one, that helped out. For 6 years. Lots of costs. Lots of craziness. Lots of help! In all ways. But definitely financially. And when my Dad past away, I was the only one, that had money. Do you know what final costs are like?

Well, those commercials on TV, they lie! And the insurance companies, move like turtles. And it was me. Standing there, trying to figure it all out. My Mom was too heartbroken. My siblings were busy stealing from us. Friends were trying to help. Now my Dad had some amazing friends. One, being the owners of the mortuary that we used. He wanted it that way.

At the end of the day, they covered many of the costs for us. Gave us some great deals. And helped us, as much as possible. But after all the mortuary costs, cemetery costs, musicians, clothes for my Dad, my Mom, and I...I nearly spent $80,000. In 3 days!!! Not counting food. Because that was covered by so many friends, extended family, and local businesses. Also, the Church costs, were covered, by our AMAZING priest!

Now, if you asked me again, I'd clear out all my accounts again. In a heartbeat! In fact, the money I used, was money I had saved, since I was a child. My Dad ALWAYS insisted on saving money. For a rainy day. Or in my case, he told me for college...

Although, when I went to college, I didn't use it. I didn't have access to it. At first. Then my Dad convinced me, to leave it there. "You never know, when you will need it." Wise words, from a very wise man. All my money from birthdays, First Communions, Confirmation, graduation, and anything else you can think of. It was put away in CDs. And it remained there, until last March.

My final blow, was wrapping up things for the business. And buying a headstone. In the end, I was left, with $5,000.00. And many households to run. No job. Well, sort of. And a mess of headaches. I think about this a lot! A LOT!!!

And it sort of stresses me out. We are still waiting for insurance money. And well, my Mom and I aren't big spenders. We can survive off of nearly nothing. Because we just aren't that high maintenance. I'll chalk that up, to my Mom growing up poor. And me, struggling my way, through college. But we have 3 properties to maintain. My parents' home, the property it sits on, and the home that was their office. My home. And my parents' mountain home and property.

That's 4 of everything! 4 gas bills, 4 light bills, 4 water bills, 4 insurance bills, 4 property tax bills. Do you see my point? It's crazy! And my Mom...well she never handled the bills. So there is me. Trying to extend money. As the two of us, are trying to navigate through our, "new normal."

My Mom and I took the summer off. Completely. Almost 100%. I had to work a little. I have to see a certain amount of patients, to keep my credentials. And well, we also needed some money. You know, to live on. So I worked. Bare minimum. Later, my Mom finally broke. And decided she needed to get out of the house. And went back to work. Part time.

Little 'ol me? I decided I NEEDED to work. And went back. Not quite full time. More than part time. Somewhere to keep us going. But I'm back at square one. I mean we are doing well. I pay the bills. My Mom and I split the cost of gas, groceries, going on little adventures. That sort of deal. But I know what I need to do next. I NEED TO SAVE!!!

I came across this in December. And thought, you know, I need to start doing this. I'm fighting a losing battle, without a plan. Get it in gear! I picked up 2 large Mason Jars, and printed this page. January 1st started a new journey for me.

I'm up to $10 in each jar. Why 2 jars? One directly for savings. One for a little fun. My Mom and I, really need to go out and do something fun. At some point. So now, I have these 2 jars. It's something small. Something to get back, into the grove of saving.

And honestly, it makes things doable. Because who can't afford a few dollars a week? I mean, by the end of the year, it's going to be $52. For a week. So maybe December is a little tougher. But really, I can still afford a couple of hundred dollars.

A few years ago, I did a $5 savings challenge. Literally, every single $5 bill I got, went to savings. It was tough when I'd get $50 worth of $5 bills as change. But it really did change things for me. And in no time, I had a nice little stash.

Will I accumulate the amount of money, I once had? Not by this 52 Week Savings Plan. But it is a start. I didn't save that other money, in a short amount of time. It took years. Struggle. And sacrifice. I'll get back to it. One day. But I'll get there. And by January 1, 2017...$2,756. Not bad!

So if are interested, get started. Honestly, we're only at the $10 mark. Don't go out to eat one day. Or put the cookies and soda back on the shelf. Walk away from the new shirt. And let's get started. I'd LOVE to hear your stories. Or what you plan on doing with your money. I really do think, this is a nice way, to get the year started! ❤

Wishful Wednesday #4: Moving to Florida

Just the other day, I was hanging out at home. Waiting to hear from a doctor I work with. And my Mom. So pretty much, wasting some time. Did you know, the TV choices at 8AM, are not very good. I mean, I would normally gravitate to GMA or Home and Family. But I was wanting to watch a movie or something. Because I knew it was going to be a while, before I'd leave home.

So I was scrolling through the channels. And I saw it! The HGTV Dream Home! How had I missed it? How had I not seen the special already? You see, HGTV, the Travel Channel, the Food Network, DIY, and FIY are my jam! I'm usually watching something off of, one of these channels.

It was something about this year's home. I don't know. Maybe it was the design. Maybe it was the location. Maybe it's because we've had a very tough year. But I was so into this home!

We'll start with the kitchen! It's ALWAYS going to be my favorite room. In any home! Just look at it. Waiting for me, to get in, and make a mess. I'd LOVE to cook in this space! I could see family and friends, sitting around the island, as I bake and cook.

This living room, just screams, "curl up with your favorite book!" I can see myself, reading, blogging, or even crocheting, all in this space. Starring out those windows. Just look at this view!!!

The master! Wow! Everything about this space, is just wow! I mean, you can take a look at the pictures. But watching the show, gives you such a better view.

I will admit, the color wouldn't be my first pick. I'm more a lavender, lilac, or grey kind of a gal. But this room really is stunning! I'd love to wake up, in this bed!

The master bath, is AMAZING!!! This picture doesn't do it justice! I mean, the bathtub alone, is calling my name! And the little balcony, would be so amazing too! My dream bathroom.

This is the balcony off the master bedroom. This sold me. I'd move to Florida in a heartbeat! I mean, it doesn't get much better than this!

The last few years, have been beyond a challenge. For myself, and my Mom. If only, we could win something like this, it would be a new beginning. A place for us, to reconnect. To begin again. To recharge those batteries. And to try and figure out this life, without my Daddy.

I guess a gal can dream. And I guess I can sign up to win, every single day. And I can get on my knees and pray. This little piece of heaven, would be amazing! I mean, I didn't even show you the property! It is even more beautiful! They even have a dog house! Our pups, they would even have a place to chill.

So I can dream. And on this Wishful Wednesday, this is what I'm wishing for. Not just for the home. Because it really is stunning. And much more, than I'd ever really dream of. But for the calm of my mind. To really have the time, and place, to recharge. And get my life, back on the rails.

The last year has definitely been a tough one. One that has had, so much tragedy. So much hate. So much hurt. A little piece of heaven, would just do this soul, some good. I can wish, and I can dream. ❤

Simple Sunday #4: Part-Time Drama

A lot has been going on lately. Mostly me, going a bit insane. You see, most of my time is spent at home. I know, most people would die, to do that! But really, it's not all it's cracked up to be. Don't get me wrong or anything. I LOVE my home. But sometimes, you just want to get out. Do something. See people. Have a real conversation...

It got me thinking lately, I want a part-time job. Nothing crazy. Just something to get out of the house. I work from home right now. A ton of reasons. Most of which, lead right back, to square one. I can't go back to the hospital, where my Dad spent so much time. Sick. So very sick.

Well, I happen to work for that same place. So I work part time. Mostly from home. Or wherever I have the internet. And put in about 20 hours a week, at one of the "branches" of the hospital. In a nearby city. Mostly doing rounds, working on tough cases, filling in wherever help is needed.

But I want to see people. Talk to them. You know, you are going a little nuts...when you start having full on convos, with the pups. And I find myself, asking them, what I should cook for dinner. How do they feel about a certain color palette. Do they think we should go to the mountains, or some large city, on our next road trip.

Yeah, it's getting serious. So I was bumming around Facebook the other day, and ran into a job listing. For a local Dog Bakery. Here in town. Probably a 20 minute drive, from where I live. In fact, I frequently do work, at a DOH, not far from the Dog Bakery. Which, by the way, I had no idea was there!

So I clicked on a few links. And found myself at the bakery's website. Applying for a job. That I'm probably overqualified for. But who cares! I can get out of the house, for 15-20 hours a week. Score. And I'll get to bake. That for me, sealed the deal!

Maybe it's just me. Or the fact, that I haven't worked anywhere else, other than a hospital or my parents' business, in about 10 years. But that application was insanely long! And asked some rather odd questions. But I kept going. 20 minutes later, I had figured out a few friends, that I could list as references. Because the owner didn't want to talk to "hospital people." Or relatives. And I couldn't find the last manager from Target. The last "real" job, that this owner considered, from my application.

I kept submitting the application. And she kept rejecting it. Asking for more info. I'm not sure, just what else she wanted. I did list my BS in HNFS. And my RD. But that's it. She was so pumped, that a real food scientist, would be baking for her shop. It's just the rest of my application, that she didn't like.

Say what? No, I won't put my puppy through another round of the runs. Because you want me to feed her your dog food. She's been through enough. With 2 changes in dog food. And she's only 3 months old!

And I won't threaten my Mom, to buy your dog food, for her dog. Who already has issues eating. She's a rescue pup. I'm 100% OK with working weekends. But not holidays. The entire reason I am still here, is to keep my Mom company. So she can get through the first year or two, without my Dad.

So we hit a road block. The biggest factor, being pay. I'm OK with working a part time, minimum wage job. But the lady did not like that answer. She didn't like that I wouldn't force my dogs, to eat her products. And she didn't like, that I hadn't worked anywhere else, besides a hospital setting, in almost 10 years.

I'm pretty sure, she never accepted my application. Because after 2 hours of this horse play, I gave up. Went to pick up my Mom from work. And began enjoying my weekend. Just makes me think. I did the hiring for my parents. It's not an easy job. But you also don't have to be rude. I ALWAYS took every application. You just never know.

In today's newspaper, I saw an ad, for a part time secretary. For a local church. They've been advertising since October. I know this, because I was looking for a puppy. And I kept coming across this ad. I just might call them this week. What could be so hard? The job requirements are answering a phone, counting the weekly offering, working in Word, Excel, and Power Point, spreading our faith, and making copies. All things I've done in the past. Again, I'm not looking for a full time position. Just something to get me out of the house. This could be it!

Music Monday #3: I'll Be

It's pretty funny when you think about it. At different points of your life, you have different friends. Different people you lean on. Friends that you call besties, sometimes just disappear from your life.

I can sit and tell you about a variety of besties, that have come and gone. Mostly, we just lost touch. I have a childhood friend, that was definitely a bestie of mine. Then she moved. We chat from time to time. Have gotten closer because of Facebook. But it's not the same.

A high school bestie and I, well we just lost track of each other. I tried a few times to keep in contact, but our lives just went  in such different directions. Same can be said for a friend who I went to college with. We started off close, then I'm not sure...

Oh college. There were a few. There was a girl, that we just clicked. We were friends. And spent a ton of time together. Going to lunch, hanging out in classes. Then I'm not sure. Life just took over. I was busy in school. She was busy with family. I had another friend, we were super close. The kind of friends that stayed up, until 2AM talking. Just because. We had so much in common. And spent most of our days, laughing. And playing music. Then a misunderstanding, sent us in opposite directions. Really, to never talk again.

I can confidently say, most of the friends I made in medical school, and working have been a different breed of friends. Those friends. The kind that you lean on. That are there, no matter what. I'm proud to say that. We stick together. Fight for each other.

I'm also very lucky, to say I have a friend from college, that we've stayed super close. At times, we don't talk for a bit. But we always manage to send each other a text message. Or e-mail. That is comforting. Super comforting really!

But the kind of friend I'm talking about today, is a lifelong kind of friend. He's the guy that met me, when I was hours old. We grew up together. He was ALWAYS my protector. And one day, we fell in love. Things in the love department, didn't work out well. We would break up during his senior year in high school. We'd try it again, my freshman year in college. Heck, we'd try it a third time. Thinking, this could be it.

It's just not in the cards. I can say that confidently. It's not in the cards. Maybe in 10 years. Maybe after both of us, leave our hometown. Maybe in different circumstances. Just not right now. And honestly, that's OK. For both of us.



But every single time, I hear this song, I think of him. My lifelong bestie. The man, that I can ALWAYS count on! No matter what. A heartbreak, a struggle with school, being lost in the world, battling the Big C, or my Dad's passing. He has been my rock!

It's funny how life works. Who would have thought, all those years ago, he'd be the solid rock by my side. Who would have thought, the little boy that came to visit the new baby girl, would really take to heart the vow of protection, love, and friendship.

It really is pretty incredible. That the two of us have last the test of time. And life really. And not just lasted. But really grown. And flourished. Honestly, making each other stronger. My bestie, he'll ALWAYS be at my side. I know this. Deep down in my soul. And I Thank God, every single day, for him! ❤

Thankful Thursday #2: That Guy

I've been thinking a lot lately. My life really does feel like, well like someone has thrown all the cards in the air. It wasn't that long ago, that I had a man at my side, that I truly thought I'd spend my life with. We talked about kiddos. Enjoyed our fur babies. Planned for a future. I traveled half the week with him. He spent his life, making mine better.

But life happened. All of a sudden, the fact that he lived across the country from my family, it mattered. His job, the one he couldn't leave, it became a tough place. Something we had never faced before. And my Dad's health, well it was #1 on both our lists...

So I came home. To take care of my Dad. Slowly I began that process. That letting go. I don't think HE saw it coming. In fact, I know he didn't. I went through three homes, nearby, that he had bought. At the time, and in fact if you asked him right now, he'd tell you he bought them for me. So we would have a place to be. And I could spend time with my family.

I went through those homes. Took my personal things. And packed up the rest. Slowly. It was a process. One that took a while. One that I did painstakingly, through the wee hours of the night. And one day, I made that tough call. He came. And we had that heartbreaking talk.

The one thing I will say, is that he completely understood. He had lost his dad. Suddenly, without any kind of warning. And he totally got it. Why I needed to be home. Why my Dad needed me. Why at this point of my life, I needed to be home. He got it. Didn't agree with parting ways. But he understood.

For months, I know he hounded my besties. He wanted to make sure I was a OK. He followed my social media. Which I was doing a horrible job at keeping up. He was sending me encouraging text messages. But we didn't talk. Life was just going 100 miles an hour.

A lot has happened since. My Dad's passing, being the toughest, and hardest transition. He gave me time. We are taking years here. He gave me time! The time I needed to grief. He UNDERSTOOD, every single second. He had been there before. He knew what I needed.

And when the time was right, he called. Then came to visit. Then held me, as I completely crumbled. Because the thing is, the love didn't die. Like it never died between me, and Dr. Baseball. It just changed. But the love was still there.

Today, I have a best friend. That I can just send a simple text to, and he knows my life is completely in a tailspin. At the same time, we can have a twitter convo, for 3 hours, in the middle of the night. Or we can FaceTime some ridiculous comical hour. That has my sides hurting, because we laugh that hard.

It's crazy where life takes us. How relationships can completely change. I'll be the first person to admit, when I'm uncomfortable, I walk away. I build walls, so people never get to know me. I'm the kind of woman, that is quiet, and comfortable with being independent.

But I will admit this. I NEED people too. Even if I don't want to admit it. I NEED them! Like I need oxygen to breathe. And I'm very lucky, to have friends, that fight to stay in my life. No matter the circumstance. They fight. And I'm lucky!

2015 taught me so much! If you've been hanging around these parts, than you know that much! But I look at 2016 as a rebirth. My Mom and I, are slowly learning to live without my Dad. The toughest thing, I'll ever have to experience. Life is so different.

Eventually, I'll have to make the decision, of what's next. You know, I still dream of getting married. And one day having babies. Lots of babies! I know. I even shock myself sometimes. But this year, is making those other tough decisions.

Do I stay in my hometown? Stay close, to take care of my Mom. Buy a home near the hospital. And start my next chapter, working for this hospital, that is so dear to my heart. Do I move back, to my home. The community that welcomed me, with open arms. To my home. Nearly 15 years ago, I moved there. And I fell in love! Or do I chase after dreams. That were once so vivid! And move across the country?

I'm not sure. And that's were January 2016 finds me. Making those decisions. I'm still not really back to work. I do a lot of virtual stuff, for a few hospitals. I fill in at the DOH, a local hospital, and do some community education. Enough to keep my credentials current. But not enough, to really solidify things.

But that's OK. It's been a tough couple of years. When you look at it, not long ago, I had my life mapped out. With the people I wanted. These days, it's putting the puzzle together. Hanging on tight. Listening to my gut. Not taking crap from other people. Mostly, praying on my knees every single night. I know, my Dear Lord wouldn't bring me to it. If he could help me through it.

So 2016, it's me and you. Making these tough decisions. Deciding which way to go. Eventually, life won't feel so crazy. And the millions of years you went to school, won't feel like a total waste. And one day, you'll have your own family. And you'll look back at this time, and think, I made it. No matter what anyone else said. I MADE IT!!! And I have a pretty amazing best friend! ❤

Wishful Wednesday 24: North Pole Breakfast 2014

There are a ton of things I wish for in life. 90% of them, are not material items. I wish for things like a loving man, to share my life with. Really share it. All parts of my life. I want kids. I've wanted ninitos, since before I can remember. When I was little, I would dream of having a dozen babies! And living on this guy's grandparents' Ranch. Crazy, huh!

But I'm nearly 32 years old. I'm the primary caregiver of my Dad. I have left 99% of my life behind, to care of my Dad. The man that I thought, hung the moon, stars, and heck...the entire sky! My Dad who was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer...not even 6 months ago!

I used to dream of my "Prince Charming." My Dad walking me down the aisle, in my perfect white dress. To have all those babies. And to create the most AMAZING life!

But in all reality, even prior to coming home, to take care of my Dad...my life was not on "that track." Not at all! I didn't have a man to love...that shared in my life 100%. Not one that came home with me, for holidays with my family. I was not close to marriage. And what seemed like a million miles from parenthood.

And no matter how much, I felt that hole in my heart, I couldn't find my way out. I'd set up wonderful days with my friends ninitos. We'd bake, decorate, and sometimes deliver treats. We'd have big sleepovers at my home...20 little girls and me. Tia was dearly outnumbered! But I LOVED it! We'd play dolls, bake, watch princess movies, play with my shoes, dance around my home, do lots of crafting, and comb each others hair.

It was not always rainbows and puppy dog tails. Heck no! I think we can all remember the day, that 5 boxes...not containers...of sprinkles made it into my carpet. Or the night I had 1 little bitty girl, throwing up all over the place...and 15 more, fast asleep. There was even that time, when the fire ants attacked 3 kiddos in my care.

But my heart still yearns for those things I dreamt of, as a little girl. Babies of my own. A husband to share this life with. And fun traditions, that would be for my family.

And then I read Andrea's blog last week. And I literally cried! Right there in the middle of the infusion room. With my Dad's oncologist looking at me, like I've totally flipped out. I didn't just cry. I balled! Because that life, that I've always wanted, seems so far away! And this post, reminded me of everything I've given up in this life...

 

Honestly, this is the sweetest little tradition! Something that I did with my own Goddaughters, years ago. Setting the scene for the holiday season. A morning full of fun, laughter, and cheer! And as much as this post, made me cry...I feel good.

 

Why? Because one day, I hope to get back to this life. I hope to make it even better. I want to be an amazing mom like Andrea. To have fun holidays. To teach my kids about God. To show them the love, that I've carried my entire life...just for them.

 

I'm not sad this week. I'm hopeful. I feel like I have this little wish, planted deep in my soul. And I know one day, God has a plan for me. Whether my life is shared with my own kids, or with the ninitos God sends into my path. My little cousins, nieces, nephews, Goddaughters, friends. And as fun as this looks...this year for me, is all about grace. I'm learning to be happy with the little things in life. And how to file these little gems, away for a time that is not so chaotic. So touch and go. God is great! And I know he has a plan for me. I will leave it all up to him. ❤