Music Monday #6: Humble and Kind

Do you ever hear a song, and it just stops you? Dead in your tracks. Gives you chills. You think, they were reading my mind. Hey, this song feels so familiar. Yet, you know, you've never heard it before.

I felt that way, just this past week. I heard "Humble and Kind." For the first time. On my way to see a patient. I literally had to pull over, onto the side of the road. It hit me that hard! And I just sat there, and listened. Silently, the tears fell. And I had goosebumps, everywhere!

This song, reminded me, of all those lessons I was taught as a child. The values that my family, was instilling, in me. The words reminded me, of my Daddy. Of a chapter of struggle. These simple words, reminded me of the struggles, that I'm currently carrying. It reminded me, that no matter what I'm facing, there is always a humbling moment.


"Don't hold a grudge or a chip, and here's why. Bitterness keeps you from flyin'." Words I need to remember. I need to write them down, and keep them close. Hard times, many times, makes people hard. And I don't want to be, that kind of person. I don't want to be bitter in life. I want to soar. I want to make the world, a better place.

Just sit and listen to these words. Or read over the lyrics. It really is a beautiful song. I enjoy country music, for this reason. There is such meaning, behind the music. And Tim McGraw, is just one of those artists, that gives even more to his music. His music, has inspired me, so many times.

"Be humble and kind." Words spoken, from my Daddy, many times. More than I could count. It was his way of life. Never forgetting where he came from. Or the people that helped him get there. Never holding a grudge. Or harming others. Always knowing, there was good to be done, in this world. ❤

Fabulous Friday #6: Time for a Cut

I've just been feeling it. In my bones. It's time for a haircut. Not just a little trim. But a real cut. I've ALWAYS had long hair. ALWAYS!

The first time, I really chopped my hair off, I was in high school. A senior. Right about to leave for Florida. I thought, this is the chance. I was going to be in Florida, for something like 10 days. Then I was going to come back home, late in the evening. Early the next morning, I was headed to my state capital. For another 5 days.

This was my chance. And I chopped off my hair! It went from "past my bottom," to "just above my shoulders." I LOVED it! Even if one of my best friends, told me a looked like a mom. I didn't care! And I also managed to hide it from my parents. By the time I returned from my travels, it was halfway down my back! That's the thing, my hair grows fast. And has a fascination, with this same length. Right around the small of my back.

So I let me hair grow. From May, until October. When I was away at college, I went to one of those places in a strip mall. I paid $6, with my college ID. And I chopped it off again! This time, to just under my ears.

I LOVED it! I could get ready in minutes. When you are in college, that is a HUGE plus! So there I was, in LOVE with short hair. I think I let it grow out slightly, before the holidays. But in the Spring it returned. Just above the shoulders. And I managed to maintain a shorter hairstyle, until the following Summer.

I have sadly, been in a rut, for years now. At least, when I was actively performing, I would get a good haircut, every couple of months. But here, is were I get honest. It's been 27 months, since I last cut my hair. And that was just a trim!

For the last few months, I've had this itch. Just to go, chop it all off! My friends even sent me a gift certificate, for Christmas. It's still in the Christmas card, at the bottom of my purse. But really, it's time.

You see, I have a love-hate relationship, with my hair. When I was younger, I really did LOVE my hair. It was super thick. I could manage a little wave-like curl. For cheerleading, I could use the sponge rollers...and get "that look." It was love. Then my hair started to thin. It has gotten uncooperative. And well, we are at a "Hate" stage.

My older sisters, have this beautiful curly hair. Spiral curls. Only one of them, maintains her locks. And she has the most gorgeous, bouncy curls. Me? I've got frizzy hair. Poofy hair. Let's say, it reminds me of a Chia Pet, on most days...

There is nothing extra special, about my hair. My Mom has pin straight hair. My Dad had crazy curly locks. And me? I'm not sure what happened. When I was under 13, my hair was long, straight, and dark. Almost black. Over the years, it's gotten lighter in color, crazier in texture, and thinned.

But I can't always hate  my hair. And let's be honest, I do enjoy looking nice. My "go-to" bun, for the OR...has slowly transformed, into a messy "up-do," most days. During the warmer months, I might do a little braid near the front, and up it all goes. But it is time, for a more "Grown Up" style.

Nothing too fancy. If I'm feeling a little more fancy, or have some time on my hands, I might straighten my hair. Maybe put hot rollers on. Perhaps, get a curling iron out. But that's it. And I'm kind of tired of it all. I want something a little more, well styled. Put together. Grown up...

So I've been looking at tons of pictures. Been paying more attention to hairstyles. Asking nurses, what works best with surgical caps. That sort of thing. I might have also asked a couple of colleagues, what they like. Here are a couple of ideas, that I'm liking...

I really do like this haircut. I like the structure of it. The idea, that there is a bit of style. The long bangs. The length. But it seems too comfy. Similar, in many ways, to what I already have...

Again, I like the length. The texture. The idea of many layers. It gives some flair. Has some style. But isn't too crazy. It's also very comfortable. I think I cut my hair like this, when I was in medical school. But sort of, more "dressed up."

Yup, I do like this more "messy" look. A little more "I just rolled out of bed." It doesn't matter if it's not perfect. But it still looks nice. Like I might actually, be making some sort of an effort...

I think the reason I'm drawn to this hairstyle, has more to do with the bangs. I like that idea. I have a pretty large forehead. And probably could use some help. I also like the slightly messy look.

 

I really like this hairstyle. It's messy. Like me. Imperfect. But still looks somewhat "put together." Yup, I like it. My only question is, does it look too much, like the "Rachel?" 

 



This is one of those hairstyles, I've like for a while. Like I cut out a picture, and stuck it in my purse. Maybe I'll go cut my hair. Doesn't look too time consuming. Might actually work, with my natural texture. You know, on the days, when you just add some hair product, and run out the door. This is on my short list...

Everything about this style, is appealing to me. The cut, is something fun. Outside of my comfort zone. The color, I like it! It makes me actually want, to go color my hair. Which I've never done before. And probably should. My skin tone is pretty similar. So I'm thinking, it couldn't be a complete disaster.

And that appeal of short hair. It keeps coming back. But is this too short, for my round face? Will I look ridiculous? I like the idea of short hair. More structure. But will I be able, to maintain this?

This is probably my favorite of all! I LOVE the length! I LOVE the idea of a little bit of bangs and layers. Not to mention, it's not completely structured. It has some movement. And really, who is going to know, if every piece of hair, isn't doing what it's supposed to? This just might be it!

What do you guys think? What should I do? Especially, if you know me in real life. Let me know. Leave me a comment. Send me a message. Please help! I'm ready for some change. My hair, seems like the perfect place to start! ❤

Music Monday #5: Be Not Afraid

I'm a very religious person! It really has carried me, through some of the toughest times. Some of my darkest days. And through some of life's biggest struggles. I've ALWAYS leaned on my Lord. He is my rock, my salvation, my BFF!

And during the difficult days, of my Dad's illness, there was no one, I leaned on more. I'm so glad, my parents, helped me to form this relationship. It really carried me, through those dark days. As I watched my Dad, slowly going to be with our Lord, I needed my BFF!

My Dad became so close to our Lord, in his last year. He'd ALWAYS had a good relationship with our Lord. He LOVED going to church. He praised God. Sang in church. And ALWAYS listened so closely, to God's words. I can still see him in church. Hands held tightly together, eyes closed, deep in prayer.

In the days following my Dad's passing, it was a real struggle. My Dad went to be with our Lord, on a Friday night. Life was a blur. My birthday, the following day. It didn't matter to me. But on Sunday morning, my Mom and I, woke up. Bright and early. And headed to church.

I sat in my Dad's seat. It is where I felt closest to him. And still do! We cried. The. Entire. Time! We met friends, that had prayed for us. People that we didn't know by name. But they had helped us, talked to us, and prayed for us...for years! All of a sudden, they were there to catch us. As we were falling, they were catching us!

It's been over 10 months. And there are days when I think, I got this grief thing, under control. And then something so simple, will have me on the floor. Curled up in a ball. Tears streaming from my eyes. My heart, in a million pieces!

There is no book on grief. Really, there isn't. I don't care how many Amazon carries! We all grieve, in a different way. It takes people through different journeys. We struggle. In a large sense, we go through similar emotions. Pain, hurt, anger. We feel similar feelings. If you go by the 5 Stages of Grief...denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance...we walk similar paths.

But no two paths, are the same. Just like no two relationships are the same. Each day, is new and different. Each emotion, sends us down a different path. We learn, daily, how to get through this life...without our loved ones.

  This song, is a great example of that. My Mom and I, can go days...sometimes a couple of weeks...without that hard crying. Then we go to church. And hear this song. And it's game over for us! That happened yesterday...

It was your typical Sunday. We were in church. The readings started the tears. Both of us, had tear filled eyes. But we could control it. Then the first few chords of this song, sent us over the edge. It's OK. And I'm not ashamed to sit there and cry. It's all part of the process. It's part of losing my Daddy. It's part of loving him too!

You see, for years and years, we sang this in church. It brings back those memories. But then, if you really think about the words, it hits me in the heart! It just speaks directly to me. And to the journey we were on. That we are still on.

In those last few months, it was mostly my Daddy and I. For most of the day. My Mom had to work. She had to! We had a business to run. It's not easy to juggle all of this! But we were trying to make it. And my Daddy and I, we'd talk. A LOT! He was so worried, about my Mom and I. He didn't want to leave us. He LOVED us, so very much!

I learned so much about my Daddy! About his true character. What this man, who he truly was. I thought I had known, before. But I really was learning. I was learning about his relationship with God. What really mattered to him. How hard, he truly loved!

It was then, that this song, came to mind. We'd listen to it. He'd sing it. And later, as he got sicker, I'd sing it to him. I don't know how to explain it, but one day, I just saw it. The look in his eyes was different. He had accepted, the next chapter of life. Eternal life.

But there was still fear there. A fear, that I'd never seen. A look I'd never seen. And a love, that I'd never felt. So I'd sing this to my Daddy. I'd hold him. And we'd cry. I would tell him, not to be afraid. That I would take care of him. Protect him. And I would ALWAYS be there for him!

It was during this time, that these words, really rang true. "Be not afraid. I go before you always. Come follow me, and I will give you rest." My Dad, he lived a long, and tough life. He was the true rock, of our entire family! His wife, children, nieces, nephews, cousins, friends, and grandchildren, they all meant the world to him! There isn't anything, he wouldn't try to do for any of us! He never turned people away. He supported everyone! He wanted to help every person he could! He worked from 3AM-9PM, daily. For as long as I can remember.

Our Lord, calling my Daddy home, was just like these lyrics. It had been a difficult road. Cancer, had turned this strong man, into this soft man. He couldn't do for himself. And depended on my Mom and I, for everything. It was his time, to go home. To rest. To rejoice. To enjoy, the fruits of his labor. And to meet, his Best Friend...

I might just cry, every single time, I hear this song. From now, until I die. But for me, it has true meaning. From the heart. Something that my Lord, made possible. To see the relationship between him, and my Daddy. To feel the love. To let my Daddy know, I'd ALWAYS be here for him! ❤

Wishful Wednesday #2: Lavender And Grey



There is no doubt in my mind, that the last few years have been tough. And I've just been surviving. All of it! There was once a time in my life, that I lived in "controlled chaos." I think most college students can say that. Medical students for sure!

 

You know, you have a certain control, over most things. But life is still very chaotic. Busy at the very least. But you control things. I CONTROLLED so much! My home was definitely one of those things. One that I kept very organized. ALL THE TIME!!!

 

I've always looked at my bedroom as being one of those places. One that was a sanctuary. A place that I controlled. And limited people to. It was my soft place to land. My place to unwind from the world. It was my safe place.

 

Over the past few years, my bedroom lost all of that! All of the magic was sucked out. All of the security, disappeared. And well, this is definitely a rebuilding year. One that is set to be magical. To put our lives back in some sort of order. And continue moving forward.

 

My bedroom is going to be the first place for me. It is my childhood bedroom. But resembles nothing, from my childhood. Other than beautiful woodwork, soft lavender carpet, and a completely incredible window seat.

 

You see, when I moved out, all those years ago, I took all my belongings. Then a few years into me being on my own, my parents' ceiling collapsed in their bedroom. And my old bedroom became theirs. Oh, there was also a remodel of the entire back side of our home. That meant a new closet, and all my parents' old furniture. My oldest brother, lived with my parents briefly. Then I came home.

 

Honestly, it's felt like a foreign land, ever since. So it's time for a change. I'm looking for something new. With a nod to the old. A bit of a celebration, of beautiful workmanship. But I'm looking for peace. And I turn to my favorite color, lavender. And my new modern favorite, light grey...

 

I like the idea, of some dark pieces. Either metal or wood, to anchor everything on. We're planning on taking my parents' old furniture to their mountain home. And I'm currently looking for a metal bed frame. And accessories.

Tufting! Oh, how I love thee! If' I could find a small loveseat, or even a chair like this, I'd be in heaven! I've literally, been on a hunt for a piece like this, for at least 8 years! I'm not lying. Let me know, if you have seen something similar.

I really like the idea of some sort of texture, on the bed. In terms of bedding. I've seen something similar to this, at Target. In both a light grey and white. I'm leaning towards white. Because when else can you have white bedding? Maybe it's just a single girl thing...

This entire palette...colors, textures, finishes, accessories, shapes...it's what I'm dreaming about! Something simple. Yet peaceful. With a touch of glamour. Something just for me. A single girl's dream!

I'm really leaning towards a smaller bed. Currently the room has a queen sized bed. I'm thinking more a full. Because I'd like a seating area. And more simple layout. This to me, makes for a serene look.

I'm also a fan, of long drapes. Something simple. Yet modern. Something that can be opened during the day. To allow the beautiful sunlight in. But something beautiful, for privacy in the evenings. Like I said, I have a large window seat. And I quite often, like to sit and read there.

If I could possibly find a headboard similar to this one, it would be magical. But I just don't see that happening here. Just my thoughts completely. But I really do love this furniture!

To be 100% honest, I've had this picture saved for years! When I first moved out of my parents' home, I wanted my living room to be like this. Then reality hit! I was a broke college student. Paying my mortgage and tuition, was way more important. Also, my nephew lived with me. I don't think he would have like the idea.

But I've kept this picture for a very long time! I've considered, many times, painting the walls to my office lilac. I've looked at similar pieces. And every single time, I've backed out. I'm not sure why. It just happened.

I mean, my bedroom at my home, is currently a deep purple. Deep! Mostly because I was working crazy hours. And needed to come home to a dark room. I needed my rest. But secretly, I ALWAYS dreamt of a room like this!

 

Lastly, would be this picture. All the feminine touches. Those little things, that turn a room, into a little piece of heaven. You know, the finishing touches, that turn a house, into a home. That's what I'm looking for!

I guess, I just crave, a little piece of this world, that is mine. That I can make into a comfy, safe, and peaceful place. With things I enjoy seeing, smelling, and touching. Life has been so crazy, that I just want a place to relax,

And for me, this color palette just has all of that! It's serene, peaceful, and honestly, one of my favorites! I'm not sure how long, I'll be living with my Mom. But I want a place that is mine. 100% reflective, of the woman I am today. As selfish as that sounds, how many other times in my life, will I have that shot? Probably not many. Because really, could you see a man living in a room like this? ❤

Happy New Year!!!

Well, it was different from last year. More like in years past. But what can I say? It was nice to have a quiet night. Sitting up with my puppy. Watching the ball drop. My Mom and her pup, fast asleep! Happy 2016!!!

The last few years have been tough. Last year, was the worst! I'm looking to 2016, with a glimmer of hope. To change. And to grow. It will definitely be a year of healing. And a year of new beginnings.

To begin with, I'm going to jot down a few things to work on. Maybe more than a few. Something like 32. Since I'm 32.

 1. Take time for myself. At least once a month, have a massage, go get my hair cut, go shopping, sleep until noon, go out to dinner with friends. Something. Anything. Just for myself. And not feel guilty about it.

 2. Take my Mom out on a Mom/Daughter Date, once a month. Something out of our new "normal." My parents used to go out to eat twice a day. Now, I cook almost 100% of the time. So maybe going out to dinner. Or a movie. Perhaps to the museum, or a concert. Maybe a fun day, in a different part of town. Or a day trip. We like day trips. With no real agenda. Just flying by the seat of our pants. Is there any other way?

 3. Be healthy. Simple. I'm not a diet kind of person. I'm not a gym rat. I just want to make better decisions. There was a time, when I measured and weighed all my food. I worked out for at least 3 hours a day. But that was no life. The last year especially, I was just surviving. Stuffing anything into my mouth. And most of my exercise came from running stairs in the middle of the night, while my Dad slept in his hospital room.

 4. Finish my WIPs. If you are at all crafty, you know what I mean. I have so many! I just want to sit and finish them up. At least most of them. Before I start more...

 5. Set up "Family Time." At least once a month, put together a dinner, or activity. For my family. Just to hang out and have fun. We got into a nice little rhythm, during the last 4 months of the year. Game night, family dinners, little parties, parade fun, and trips to the movies. I want to really get this together. One month for the adults. The next for the kiddos. And not just family. Friends too!

 6. Be more open to life. Just in general. Get it together. Appreciate new experiences. Try new things. Talk to more people. Just enjoy things, as they are happening. Don't look at my friends, like they are crazy. Because they are trying to set me up on a date. Go for it! What do you have to loose?

 7. Get back into music. I miss it! At one point, I was in a Girls' Group, a Country Western Band, a Tejano Band, the Symphony, the Opera, a Trio, and a Mariachi. These days, I sing my heart out at home. But I miss performing. I had some pretty horrible experiences in my hometown. But I have to get over it. And try it again. Maybe take up a cycle in the opera. I LOVE the Opera! Or call up the Girls. Can we put together a show again? Maybe try a local Mariachi. Would they even take me serious?

 8. Get ready. You know the drill. When my Dad was sick, I was lucky to get a shower in the morning. I was his primary caregiver. I lived in sweats. Let's be honest, if no one was coming over, and it was a bad day...PJs it was! Sweats was like dressing up. And forget it...leggings is what I wore to go out. You know, to the doctor, or another appointment. Makeup and actually doing my hair...didn't exist! Do you know, I had to go out and buy these things after my Dad passed. Because I had no clue, what I did with my hair straightener, lipstick, heck I couldn't even find a decent pair of shoes. So just getting up and putting on some jeans. Maybe a sweater. Perhaps some mascara, moisturizer, and lipgloss.

 9. With that, polishing my nails. I have way too much nail polish. For any one soul. It has ALWAYS been a guilty pleasure of mine. Now I need to put it to use. Pull it out. And polish my nails. At least once a week!

10. Be more available. I feel like I cut people off. Part of it is, I'm shy by nature. But really, it's not the only reason. I don't return calls. I skim over e-mails...from family and friends. I rarely check other people's social media. I need to reconnect. Get connected to the people around me. Call a friend. Meet someone for coffee. Go out to dinner with my friends.

11. Get a schedule. I guess for so long, life was just completely chaotic. There really was no schedule. It was all about surviving. Really, it was! And these days, I find myself a bit lost. I need to sit down, and get a schedule going. I thrive on organization. And I need to go back to it.

12. Explore my hometown. Maybe we can even extend that to my home state. Over the last couple of months, my Mom and I have ventured out a bit more. Done things that we've always been curious about. I want to keep that up. Trying something new, at least once a month! Man, there are incredible places to visit. Just right outside our door!

13. Leave them behind. And what I really mean is, forget about that part of the family. The ones that keep trying to hurt my Mom and I. Things will never change. And it's just not worth the time, or energy, to try and keep this family together. I just need to realize, blended families don't always make it. It's sad. But they just don't. And this part of the family never accepted us. It's OK. We need to just cut our losses, and move on!

14. Help my Mom. You know, my Dad did almost everything. When he couldn't, he taught me. And I did it. Now, it's time to help my Mom. Maneuver through paying bills, and taxes. I need to teach her all the basic things, of day-to-day life. The stuff my Dad took care of. And help her get things settled. My Dad didn't have a will. And he had a business. And there are a ton of loose ends, that need to be dealt with. We need to get it done, in 2016.

15. Enjoy the mountains. My parents had property in the mountains. It's been forever since we've been out there. For all sorts of reasons. I want to help my Mom get those affairs in order. And start enjoying the place. It's beautiful there! And so peaceful. A great place for friends and family to gather.

16. Start changing up the house. You know, organize it. Get rid of stuff that isn't ours. You'd be shocked at how much stuff, my parents kept for my siblings. It's time to make the house, some place that my Mom enjoys. Turning that old dining room, into a nice craft room. Or media room. Just doing projects, that need to be done. Like changing faucets.

17. Dealing with the business stuff. Like I said, there are a ton of loose ends. It's time to work on those. Cleaning the office out. Getting rid of old files. Figuring out logistics with the district. Getting that all worked through. It's a lot. Especially since our bookkeeper also died...

18. Take more pictures. I fail at this miserably. I hate to take pictures. I don't like how I look. I don't like to haul around a camera. Or my iPad. But now I have an iPhone. It's time to capture memories. I look at my old phone a lot! A LOT!!! And I cherish those moments, that I captured. Of my Dad. In better times. Smiling. And even in his last days. Those precious moments, between he and my Mom.

19. Start a Super Club. Or even a Recipe Club. I miss this most. When I lived at my home, I was very involved. My friends and I enjoyed this so much! Just hanging out. Enjoying a delicious meal. And making things beautiful, for just hanging out. I really want to try that here. Let me know, if you're interested.

20. Get closer to God. I have ALWAYS leaned on our dear Lord. But with troubling times, sometimes we waiver. Sometimes our connection feels, rocked a bit. I want to get back to that connection I once had. When I lived alone, I felt the closest to God. So connected. I want to get back to that.

21. Journaling. There is something about sitting down, and writing your thoughts. Pen to paper. Just for you. Letting your brain "vomit" every single thing out. I want to start doing this again. Daily.

22. Reading. I am a book junky. No lie! It started when I was 2 years old. My Dad was no help! I was every single teachers, favorite student. I bought ever single book, in every single book order. I was in countless book clubs. And the addiction only got worse, the older I got. I NEED to get back to reading. Any good book suggestions?

23. Traveling. There was a time, when I traveled. A LOT!!! Let's say, 5 days out of the week, were on the road. No lie! I miss it. OK, maybe not living out of a suitcase. But I miss seeing new places. the adventure of it. I want to try and plan a couple of trips this year. Nothing fancy. Just get out and go!

24. Make my bedroom, my sanctuary. There was a time, when I felt like my bedroom was just for me. A soft place to land, in a hard world. When I lived alone, it was my space. For me. Things completely changed, when I moved back to my hometown. It's time to do that again. Make me a beautiful space.

25. Plan something for my Daddy. I don't know. Maybe a birthday party for him. Or a celebration of life, for his First Anniversary. Maybe make his fundraiser a BIG deal. Just something. I need to get moving on this!

26. Figure out my job situation. I went to school for a million years. Just as my career was taking off, I came home. I worked enough, just enough, to keep my credentials. Now I'm not sure if it's what I want to do. It doesn't have the same flair, it once did. I feel myself, being pulled in other directions. I need to explore this a bit. Make those tough decisions.

27. Have fun. I need to not take life, so seriously. I need to stop looking over my shoulder. My siblings are crazy. But I need to live. I need to laugh. And be silly. I need to dance. And sing. And play with my new puppy. I just need to be me.

28. Save money. When I say, I drained every penny, from every one of my bank accounts...I'm not lying. It was necessary. To take care of my Dad. For his funeral. To get his business, to the finish line. Now, I need to start saving again. Daddy didn't raise no idiot. There will be another rainy day. I need to be ready.

29. Decide where I'm going to live. Will it be my hometown? To take care of my Mom. Will it be for a year? And I continue to live with her. Will it be longer? And I decide to buy a house here. Will I go home? And pick up the pieces of my life. Or will I move across the country. And continue to chase my dreams. I need to figure this out.

30. Be more giving. Of my time, talents, and money. I have lots of life experiences, that can benefit others. Maybe in terms of continuing with the Support Groups. Maybe volunteering. It's a new chapter of life. And I just want to give back.

31. Get another puppy. A little one, to be buddies with my baby. Or two big dogs, to protect us. This will depend on where I live. But another dog is in my not so distant future...

32. Heal. I just need to allow myself to heal. To grieve. Not to rush anything. To take it, a day at a time. To enjoy the memories. Let the tears flow. And continue with the process.

So there you go. A long list. But heck, we have 12 months! 52 weeks. 365 days. I'm sure to get through it all. And if I don't, it's OK too. Life always has some lesson to teach you. Enjoy the ride! Happy 2016!!! ❤