2016 in Review

So 2016, just wasn't a good year. Not for me. Not for my family. It may have been, just as bad as 2015. But I'm going to update you. On that craziness, that is 2016. Hoping to leave all that in the past. I'll put at least, three things that happened every month. Some months, will be much more...

January

1. My sweet pup and I, rang in the New Year together. Nice and quiet. Lots of phone calls, poured in...right after midnight.

2. It turned out to be a really tough month. Just my Mom and I, trying to get used to life without my Dad. 10 months after his passing, we really struggled.  

3. My Fun Mail for Kids Project, became a success! Tons of mail going out to the littles. This month, just really pushed things over the edge.

4. I filed paperwork, to return to work. Full time. In 6 months time. I had good intentions. That just didn't pan out.

February

1. I started having really tough talks, with this Guy. We're the best of friends. And truly want the best for one another. But this, was the beginning of the end...of US. Tough...but oh so necessary.

2. I started to notice little things about my Mom. She was more tired. Losing weight. Just not "with it."

3. I really noticed, that I began to look forward to my twice weekly lunch dates. With my Mom. We'd been doing this since August. But in February, I really started to look forward to them. Once in a while, I'd take the pups too. There are so many GREAT Dog Parks nearby. And after we'd eat, we'd take the pups to play.

4. We celebrated my Dad's first birthday in Heaven. IT. WAS. TOUGH!!! My Mom and I decorated his grave, had a mass for him, met with family...and friends. Ate breakfast together. And then, my Mom and I, cooked a HUGE meal for dinner. It was a tough day...

March

1. Our rescue pup, turned 2. And we had her a party. I know! I probably need some kids. But it was a fun day.

2. I turned a year older. No big deal. Or adventures. My Mom and I went to breakfast. And I enjoyed a low-key day. Just chilaxing.

3. We also faced my Dad's one year anniversary. Of his passing. Completely difficult! Just a day, before my birthday. We had a mass for him. A balloon release. And went to have breakfast at his favorite place. But it was a tough day. A beautiful day...but tough day.

4. It was an emotional month. Tough. In every single way, you can imagine. Somehow, we made it to the end.

April

1. My Mom really started to slow down. I knew something was wrong. But I just couldn't put my finger on it. And she refused to go to the doctor. Ugh!

2. We prepared for our 2nd Annual Fundraiser. Craziness all around! I swear, it almost didn't happen. But at the last minute, everything fell into place. And it was a success!

3. We went on a pilgrimage with the women in our family. Spiritually, it was just what we needed. Also, we enjoyed having a grown up sleepover. With some of my favorite ladies. And our little pups. Watching movies, laughing, and snacking.

4. Had another tough conversation with this Guy. On what should have been our anniversary. And knew, we both just needed to walk away. Clean break. Still friends. Wishing the best for each other. All that good stuff.

5. Also on that day, my grandma turned 86. And we helped her celebrate. With a fun dinner, and cake. A few family members, some staff from her nursing home, and some friends. It was all about making memories.

6. I'd also end up in the ER. With back issues. Then spend a few weeks, dealing with side effects from the shots I was given. It was horrible! I felt like I was 90 years old!

May

1. I surprised my Mom, with a little Birthday BBQ. Just us, and our pups. It was a lot of fun!

2. Celebrated a ton of new graduates! My family and friends. It was a BIG deal.

3. My family, including my Mom, headed to Colorado. They had a blast! I stayed home, hanging out with our pups. And dabbling, in going back to work full time. It was a nice break.

4. I campaigned away. For one of our neighbors. It was a blast! Wish I could have spent more time doing it. And I really wish he would have won. But I really enjoyed meeting so many new people.

5. I'd help this guy, pick out a ring. Now that he knew, I couldn't move forward. He was ready to move on. And I was so happy for him. In 2 months, he'd pop the question. By year's end, they'd be married.

June

1. My Mom went to California. With some family...on vacation. 2 weeks on the beach! What a life! Except, she got hurt...while they were out there. This would plague her for months. And lead to some life changing news.

2. I'd start selling at 2 local Growers' Markets. Man, I missed my buddies. Crazy how I only knew them for a short time, and I missed them so much. The laughter picked right up. And I met a cute, new 18 month old buddy!

3. I'd get some much needed time with my friends. Just relaxing. Taking in a concert, some movies, and lots of late night dinners. My bestie for life...and our friends from the hospital.

4. Crap had started with our mail being stolen. We'd had issues after my Dad's passing. But it really became a problem from April-June. Which lead to a whole issue...and having to see the Post Master. And changing our phone numbers, and all that good crap...

July

1. We'd start selling at another Grower's Market. Like 2 just wasn't enough. But honestly, this would quickly become my favorite market. The people were so amazing! I truly can't wait until July, when we return.

2. We were slowly adjusting to being a family of 2. With 2 pups. But we began to separate things. As I was still planning on moving. Boxes would be packed. We'd start to separate our dogs, on outings. We were planning...

3. We'd also spend the 4th of July...quietly, at home. It was like all these celebrations were just too much. And we needed time away from everyone. But it was good for us. And we still managed to enjoy hotdogs and hamburgers.

4. I'd also start a new business adventure. Completely inspired by my pup. And it would keep me quite busy!

5. We'd celebrate our friend's 85th Birthday. Such a blessing to have him in our lives. And to know his family. The entire day, was such a blessing.

August

1. My Mom would return to work. And I'd start slowing down at the Growers' Markets. Rotating which one I'd go to, each week. My Mom was just in so much pain. And so incredibly tired. I needed to be home, to help her out.

2. I'd continue to get things in order. For my move. But had a nagging feeling...that it wasn't going to happen. Sometimes, you just know things. There's no reasoning behind it.

3. It had been 4 months, since our whole mail issue had started. And nothing was resolved. Our mail was still going missing. And I'd also been locked out of certain Google accounts, Facebook, and some other things. Ugh!

 

 

 September

1. The pain was just too much for my Mom. And just after the holiday, we'd end up in the ER. My Mom would be diagnosed with leukemia. Our world would be rocked. And we wouldn't tell anyone...for months.

2. My Mom would not return back to work. She'd stay home. And an entirely new chapter, would begin. It was nuts! And she was in so much pain. All. The. TIME!

3. I'd send in some new FMLA paperwork. And talk to my supervisors. Yes, I'll be out of work for a while. How long? I have no clue.

4. My Mom would begin the important documents...Wills, Power of Attorney, DNR. All the stuff, that comes along with cancer. And I knew, I was exactly where I was meant to be. I would be her caregiver.

October

1. We'd get a second confirmation, that it is leukemia. We'd meet our oncologists. And I'd be drowning in paperwork. Spend hours and hours, on the phone with insurance companies. And spend more time, than you can think...on my knees praying.

2. A new routine would begin. My Mom slept a lot. Our pups and I, learned a new routine. Not much eating was happening. The house, suddenly needed to be cleaned from top to bottom. Because what else could I do with my time?

3. Our Growers' Market Family knew what was going on. And my sister. And my bestie. But no one else. My Mom just wasn't ready to talk about it. It was tough. A hard thing to shoulder. But I would do it, for her. Because she needed it.

4. We prepared for a local Dia de los Muertos Parade. Spent lots of hours, making decorations. Lots of family time. Lots of sewing. And there was getting all those skull crafts made. Oh, and an alter. It was a busy time.

5. On his birthday, this guy would call me. Unsure of his own future. With his soon-to-be bride. I think he was looking for reassurance. Oh, and he wanted to make sure, I hadn't made a mistake. Did I want to try this again? Finally, I spilled the beans. I told him about my Mom. As much as I love him, I love her. And I NEED to be here. Right here. And he totally understood. But I wasn't sure, that he was 100% ready, to move forward. I'd spend a good part, of the next 2 1/2 months, talking him into his nuptials.

6. I'd also postpone a planned fundraiser for our foundation. It was just too much to think about. With my Mom being sick, I just couldn't imagine it.

7. My puppy would turn 1. Yes, there would be a party. Just a small one. Princess Party, for my little Princess. My Mom was not feeling well. But we celebrated that little princess, like she was Princess Charlotte! Wow!

November

1. After a very quiet Halloween, my Mom would be in a crazy amount of pain. We'd end up in the ER. Again. But this time, I'd have to call family for help. And on the way to the ER, my Mom would finally tell her sisters. It was a shocker! From that point on, people slowly started to find out.

2. We'd do that entire Dia de los Muertos event. It was so much fun. But completely exhausting! It almost didn't happen. In less than a week's time, our family would cancel and reschedule it...5 times!

3. Sometime after the event, we'd decide to plan a fundraiser for my Mom. We weren't sure of details. But in less than 4 hours, the entire thing was planned. People were volunteering. The menu was planned. Decorations ordered. Tickets printed. Items donated for a raffle.

4. After the fundraiser was planned, we'd talk to my Mom. And finally, we'd let people know, she has cancer. It was a hard thing to do. And it would lead me, down another new path.

5. We'd plan on spending Thanksgiving at a few people's homes. In the end, we stayed with family. Because my grandma needed us. And the time. Thanksgiving seemed so emotional this year. Like this possibly, could be the last, with all these people. I was emotionally drained, by the time we got home...late that night.

December

1. I was exhausted! By the time December 1st rolled around, we'd done so many Craft Fairs, and shows...that I was just tired. Our stock was down. And I just wanted to rest. So many festivals were inviting us. And I just didn't have time, inventory, or energy. But we still managed 2-3 shows a weekend. It was nuts!

2. Our fundraising efforts were also in full swing. My family was selling tickets, left and right. Boxes of things, started arriving on our doorsteps. It was amazing to see all the love, for my Mom...pour in. We also learned real quick, who was going to be by our sides. Through this new journey.

3. We'd somehow, have a fundraiser. And 2 raffles. During December. It was nuts! Oh, and some online stuff too.

4. We'd also manage to squeeze in some Holiday Cheer. We went to 2 Tree Lightings, had dinner with family and friends a few times, attended our Family's Ornament Party, had lunch with some of my Mom's old students, enjoyed Christmas with friends, decorated my Dad's grave on Christmas Eve, spent a couple of hours with my brother and sister, hung lights, put up a tree, went shopping with family, and I spent some time in the ER again. This stupid back issue!

5. After months and months, my Mom was finally cleared for insurance. Stupid Obamacare. I HATE it! And I'd spend the last week of the year, calling doctors. Trying to set my Mom up, with appointments that she should have had...almost 4 months ago. But I'm hopeful.

It was a crazy year! So much has changed in the last 12 months. And so much, has stayed the same. I'm praying that 2017, is a much better year. That brings blessings. Always my Mom to heal. And get stronger. And also, allow us the time to process our grief. That's been the hardest part of this past year! Goodbye 2016. And all your problems. Hello 2017! And all your blessings. ❤

Music Monday #18: Thy Will

I heard this song, a week or two ago. And it just made me think. I sat at the top of the hill, early in the morning. Watching the sunrise. And just listened. There was something about this song, that just called to me. The music. The lyrics. Hillary's voice.

The last few years, have been something else. At times, just unbearable. And at other times, I've felt so raw. So exposed. This song, just reminds me...of how vulnerable we can be. And how we can carry all of this with us.

But through it all, no matter what...we MUST trust in God. He will carry us, through it all. The pain, the hurt, the loneliness. I know, the tough days, are not all behind me. But there are some truly AMAZING days, in front of me. And I need to remember, to trust in God.


As hard as life can be, we can't lose our faith. Our paths, are difficult at times. And at times, I HATE so much about life. But life, is truly a miracle. Because of our Lord. And his love for us.

I pray every single day. For my family. And my friends. For myself. Lately, it's been a lot for myself. And my struggles. I get on my knees, and pray. That I can hear, see, and feel God's plans for me. That he has a plan for me. Maybe it will include a husband, children, and love. Maybe it includes more pain and hurt.

Whatever it is, he will walk along side me. And when it becomes too much to bare, he will carry me. I know this, first hand. Because I know, it was God that has gotten me through the last 6 years. On the toughest days, I turned to God. And asked for his help, his love, and his compassion. For myself. My Dad. My family. My friends. And my enemies.

I am so amazed by God and his love for me. We are so very blessed. Even on the worst of days, we have the most amazing love...that we could ever ask for! God will guide us. And help us, through the darkest of days. I know this. And this song, is just a reminder, of all the love...that God has for us. ❤

Music Monday #5: Be Not Afraid

I'm a very religious person! It really has carried me, through some of the toughest times. Some of my darkest days. And through some of life's biggest struggles. I've ALWAYS leaned on my Lord. He is my rock, my salvation, my BFF!

And during the difficult days, of my Dad's illness, there was no one, I leaned on more. I'm so glad, my parents, helped me to form this relationship. It really carried me, through those dark days. As I watched my Dad, slowly going to be with our Lord, I needed my BFF!

My Dad became so close to our Lord, in his last year. He'd ALWAYS had a good relationship with our Lord. He LOVED going to church. He praised God. Sang in church. And ALWAYS listened so closely, to God's words. I can still see him in church. Hands held tightly together, eyes closed, deep in prayer.

In the days following my Dad's passing, it was a real struggle. My Dad went to be with our Lord, on a Friday night. Life was a blur. My birthday, the following day. It didn't matter to me. But on Sunday morning, my Mom and I, woke up. Bright and early. And headed to church.

I sat in my Dad's seat. It is where I felt closest to him. And still do! We cried. The. Entire. Time! We met friends, that had prayed for us. People that we didn't know by name. But they had helped us, talked to us, and prayed for us...for years! All of a sudden, they were there to catch us. As we were falling, they were catching us!

It's been over 10 months. And there are days when I think, I got this grief thing, under control. And then something so simple, will have me on the floor. Curled up in a ball. Tears streaming from my eyes. My heart, in a million pieces!

There is no book on grief. Really, there isn't. I don't care how many Amazon carries! We all grieve, in a different way. It takes people through different journeys. We struggle. In a large sense, we go through similar emotions. Pain, hurt, anger. We feel similar feelings. If you go by the 5 Stages of Grief...denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance...we walk similar paths.

But no two paths, are the same. Just like no two relationships are the same. Each day, is new and different. Each emotion, sends us down a different path. We learn, daily, how to get through this life...without our loved ones.

  This song, is a great example of that. My Mom and I, can go days...sometimes a couple of weeks...without that hard crying. Then we go to church. And hear this song. And it's game over for us! That happened yesterday...

It was your typical Sunday. We were in church. The readings started the tears. Both of us, had tear filled eyes. But we could control it. Then the first few chords of this song, sent us over the edge. It's OK. And I'm not ashamed to sit there and cry. It's all part of the process. It's part of losing my Daddy. It's part of loving him too!

You see, for years and years, we sang this in church. It brings back those memories. But then, if you really think about the words, it hits me in the heart! It just speaks directly to me. And to the journey we were on. That we are still on.

In those last few months, it was mostly my Daddy and I. For most of the day. My Mom had to work. She had to! We had a business to run. It's not easy to juggle all of this! But we were trying to make it. And my Daddy and I, we'd talk. A LOT! He was so worried, about my Mom and I. He didn't want to leave us. He LOVED us, so very much!

I learned so much about my Daddy! About his true character. What this man, who he truly was. I thought I had known, before. But I really was learning. I was learning about his relationship with God. What really mattered to him. How hard, he truly loved!

It was then, that this song, came to mind. We'd listen to it. He'd sing it. And later, as he got sicker, I'd sing it to him. I don't know how to explain it, but one day, I just saw it. The look in his eyes was different. He had accepted, the next chapter of life. Eternal life.

But there was still fear there. A fear, that I'd never seen. A look I'd never seen. And a love, that I'd never felt. So I'd sing this to my Daddy. I'd hold him. And we'd cry. I would tell him, not to be afraid. That I would take care of him. Protect him. And I would ALWAYS be there for him!

It was during this time, that these words, really rang true. "Be not afraid. I go before you always. Come follow me, and I will give you rest." My Dad, he lived a long, and tough life. He was the true rock, of our entire family! His wife, children, nieces, nephews, cousins, friends, and grandchildren, they all meant the world to him! There isn't anything, he wouldn't try to do for any of us! He never turned people away. He supported everyone! He wanted to help every person he could! He worked from 3AM-9PM, daily. For as long as I can remember.

Our Lord, calling my Daddy home, was just like these lyrics. It had been a difficult road. Cancer, had turned this strong man, into this soft man. He couldn't do for himself. And depended on my Mom and I, for everything. It was his time, to go home. To rest. To rejoice. To enjoy, the fruits of his labor. And to meet, his Best Friend...

I might just cry, every single time, I hear this song. From now, until I die. But for me, it has true meaning. From the heart. Something that my Lord, made possible. To see the relationship between him, and my Daddy. To feel the love. To let my Daddy know, I'd ALWAYS be here for him! ❤