2016 in Review

So 2016, just wasn't a good year. Not for me. Not for my family. It may have been, just as bad as 2015. But I'm going to update you. On that craziness, that is 2016. Hoping to leave all that in the past. I'll put at least, three things that happened every month. Some months, will be much more...

January

1. My sweet pup and I, rang in the New Year together. Nice and quiet. Lots of phone calls, poured in...right after midnight.

2. It turned out to be a really tough month. Just my Mom and I, trying to get used to life without my Dad. 10 months after his passing, we really struggled.  

3. My Fun Mail for Kids Project, became a success! Tons of mail going out to the littles. This month, just really pushed things over the edge.

4. I filed paperwork, to return to work. Full time. In 6 months time. I had good intentions. That just didn't pan out.

February

1. I started having really tough talks, with this Guy. We're the best of friends. And truly want the best for one another. But this, was the beginning of the end...of US. Tough...but oh so necessary.

2. I started to notice little things about my Mom. She was more tired. Losing weight. Just not "with it."

3. I really noticed, that I began to look forward to my twice weekly lunch dates. With my Mom. We'd been doing this since August. But in February, I really started to look forward to them. Once in a while, I'd take the pups too. There are so many GREAT Dog Parks nearby. And after we'd eat, we'd take the pups to play.

4. We celebrated my Dad's first birthday in Heaven. IT. WAS. TOUGH!!! My Mom and I decorated his grave, had a mass for him, met with family...and friends. Ate breakfast together. And then, my Mom and I, cooked a HUGE meal for dinner. It was a tough day...

March

1. Our rescue pup, turned 2. And we had her a party. I know! I probably need some kids. But it was a fun day.

2. I turned a year older. No big deal. Or adventures. My Mom and I went to breakfast. And I enjoyed a low-key day. Just chilaxing.

3. We also faced my Dad's one year anniversary. Of his passing. Completely difficult! Just a day, before my birthday. We had a mass for him. A balloon release. And went to have breakfast at his favorite place. But it was a tough day. A beautiful day...but tough day.

4. It was an emotional month. Tough. In every single way, you can imagine. Somehow, we made it to the end.

April

1. My Mom really started to slow down. I knew something was wrong. But I just couldn't put my finger on it. And she refused to go to the doctor. Ugh!

2. We prepared for our 2nd Annual Fundraiser. Craziness all around! I swear, it almost didn't happen. But at the last minute, everything fell into place. And it was a success!

3. We went on a pilgrimage with the women in our family. Spiritually, it was just what we needed. Also, we enjoyed having a grown up sleepover. With some of my favorite ladies. And our little pups. Watching movies, laughing, and snacking.

4. Had another tough conversation with this Guy. On what should have been our anniversary. And knew, we both just needed to walk away. Clean break. Still friends. Wishing the best for each other. All that good stuff.

5. Also on that day, my grandma turned 86. And we helped her celebrate. With a fun dinner, and cake. A few family members, some staff from her nursing home, and some friends. It was all about making memories.

6. I'd also end up in the ER. With back issues. Then spend a few weeks, dealing with side effects from the shots I was given. It was horrible! I felt like I was 90 years old!

May

1. I surprised my Mom, with a little Birthday BBQ. Just us, and our pups. It was a lot of fun!

2. Celebrated a ton of new graduates! My family and friends. It was a BIG deal.

3. My family, including my Mom, headed to Colorado. They had a blast! I stayed home, hanging out with our pups. And dabbling, in going back to work full time. It was a nice break.

4. I campaigned away. For one of our neighbors. It was a blast! Wish I could have spent more time doing it. And I really wish he would have won. But I really enjoyed meeting so many new people.

5. I'd help this guy, pick out a ring. Now that he knew, I couldn't move forward. He was ready to move on. And I was so happy for him. In 2 months, he'd pop the question. By year's end, they'd be married.

June

1. My Mom went to California. With some family...on vacation. 2 weeks on the beach! What a life! Except, she got hurt...while they were out there. This would plague her for months. And lead to some life changing news.

2. I'd start selling at 2 local Growers' Markets. Man, I missed my buddies. Crazy how I only knew them for a short time, and I missed them so much. The laughter picked right up. And I met a cute, new 18 month old buddy!

3. I'd get some much needed time with my friends. Just relaxing. Taking in a concert, some movies, and lots of late night dinners. My bestie for life...and our friends from the hospital.

4. Crap had started with our mail being stolen. We'd had issues after my Dad's passing. But it really became a problem from April-June. Which lead to a whole issue...and having to see the Post Master. And changing our phone numbers, and all that good crap...

July

1. We'd start selling at another Grower's Market. Like 2 just wasn't enough. But honestly, this would quickly become my favorite market. The people were so amazing! I truly can't wait until July, when we return.

2. We were slowly adjusting to being a family of 2. With 2 pups. But we began to separate things. As I was still planning on moving. Boxes would be packed. We'd start to separate our dogs, on outings. We were planning...

3. We'd also spend the 4th of July...quietly, at home. It was like all these celebrations were just too much. And we needed time away from everyone. But it was good for us. And we still managed to enjoy hotdogs and hamburgers.

4. I'd also start a new business adventure. Completely inspired by my pup. And it would keep me quite busy!

5. We'd celebrate our friend's 85th Birthday. Such a blessing to have him in our lives. And to know his family. The entire day, was such a blessing.

August

1. My Mom would return to work. And I'd start slowing down at the Growers' Markets. Rotating which one I'd go to, each week. My Mom was just in so much pain. And so incredibly tired. I needed to be home, to help her out.

2. I'd continue to get things in order. For my move. But had a nagging feeling...that it wasn't going to happen. Sometimes, you just know things. There's no reasoning behind it.

3. It had been 4 months, since our whole mail issue had started. And nothing was resolved. Our mail was still going missing. And I'd also been locked out of certain Google accounts, Facebook, and some other things. Ugh!

 

 

 September

1. The pain was just too much for my Mom. And just after the holiday, we'd end up in the ER. My Mom would be diagnosed with leukemia. Our world would be rocked. And we wouldn't tell anyone...for months.

2. My Mom would not return back to work. She'd stay home. And an entirely new chapter, would begin. It was nuts! And she was in so much pain. All. The. TIME!

3. I'd send in some new FMLA paperwork. And talk to my supervisors. Yes, I'll be out of work for a while. How long? I have no clue.

4. My Mom would begin the important documents...Wills, Power of Attorney, DNR. All the stuff, that comes along with cancer. And I knew, I was exactly where I was meant to be. I would be her caregiver.

October

1. We'd get a second confirmation, that it is leukemia. We'd meet our oncologists. And I'd be drowning in paperwork. Spend hours and hours, on the phone with insurance companies. And spend more time, than you can think...on my knees praying.

2. A new routine would begin. My Mom slept a lot. Our pups and I, learned a new routine. Not much eating was happening. The house, suddenly needed to be cleaned from top to bottom. Because what else could I do with my time?

3. Our Growers' Market Family knew what was going on. And my sister. And my bestie. But no one else. My Mom just wasn't ready to talk about it. It was tough. A hard thing to shoulder. But I would do it, for her. Because she needed it.

4. We prepared for a local Dia de los Muertos Parade. Spent lots of hours, making decorations. Lots of family time. Lots of sewing. And there was getting all those skull crafts made. Oh, and an alter. It was a busy time.

5. On his birthday, this guy would call me. Unsure of his own future. With his soon-to-be bride. I think he was looking for reassurance. Oh, and he wanted to make sure, I hadn't made a mistake. Did I want to try this again? Finally, I spilled the beans. I told him about my Mom. As much as I love him, I love her. And I NEED to be here. Right here. And he totally understood. But I wasn't sure, that he was 100% ready, to move forward. I'd spend a good part, of the next 2 1/2 months, talking him into his nuptials.

6. I'd also postpone a planned fundraiser for our foundation. It was just too much to think about. With my Mom being sick, I just couldn't imagine it.

7. My puppy would turn 1. Yes, there would be a party. Just a small one. Princess Party, for my little Princess. My Mom was not feeling well. But we celebrated that little princess, like she was Princess Charlotte! Wow!

November

1. After a very quiet Halloween, my Mom would be in a crazy amount of pain. We'd end up in the ER. Again. But this time, I'd have to call family for help. And on the way to the ER, my Mom would finally tell her sisters. It was a shocker! From that point on, people slowly started to find out.

2. We'd do that entire Dia de los Muertos event. It was so much fun. But completely exhausting! It almost didn't happen. In less than a week's time, our family would cancel and reschedule it...5 times!

3. Sometime after the event, we'd decide to plan a fundraiser for my Mom. We weren't sure of details. But in less than 4 hours, the entire thing was planned. People were volunteering. The menu was planned. Decorations ordered. Tickets printed. Items donated for a raffle.

4. After the fundraiser was planned, we'd talk to my Mom. And finally, we'd let people know, she has cancer. It was a hard thing to do. And it would lead me, down another new path.

5. We'd plan on spending Thanksgiving at a few people's homes. In the end, we stayed with family. Because my grandma needed us. And the time. Thanksgiving seemed so emotional this year. Like this possibly, could be the last, with all these people. I was emotionally drained, by the time we got home...late that night.

December

1. I was exhausted! By the time December 1st rolled around, we'd done so many Craft Fairs, and shows...that I was just tired. Our stock was down. And I just wanted to rest. So many festivals were inviting us. And I just didn't have time, inventory, or energy. But we still managed 2-3 shows a weekend. It was nuts!

2. Our fundraising efforts were also in full swing. My family was selling tickets, left and right. Boxes of things, started arriving on our doorsteps. It was amazing to see all the love, for my Mom...pour in. We also learned real quick, who was going to be by our sides. Through this new journey.

3. We'd somehow, have a fundraiser. And 2 raffles. During December. It was nuts! Oh, and some online stuff too.

4. We'd also manage to squeeze in some Holiday Cheer. We went to 2 Tree Lightings, had dinner with family and friends a few times, attended our Family's Ornament Party, had lunch with some of my Mom's old students, enjoyed Christmas with friends, decorated my Dad's grave on Christmas Eve, spent a couple of hours with my brother and sister, hung lights, put up a tree, went shopping with family, and I spent some time in the ER again. This stupid back issue!

5. After months and months, my Mom was finally cleared for insurance. Stupid Obamacare. I HATE it! And I'd spend the last week of the year, calling doctors. Trying to set my Mom up, with appointments that she should have had...almost 4 months ago. But I'm hopeful.

It was a crazy year! So much has changed in the last 12 months. And so much, has stayed the same. I'm praying that 2017, is a much better year. That brings blessings. Always my Mom to heal. And get stronger. And also, allow us the time to process our grief. That's been the hardest part of this past year! Goodbye 2016. And all your problems. Hello 2017! And all your blessings. ❤

Music Monday #5: Be Not Afraid

I'm a very religious person! It really has carried me, through some of the toughest times. Some of my darkest days. And through some of life's biggest struggles. I've ALWAYS leaned on my Lord. He is my rock, my salvation, my BFF!

And during the difficult days, of my Dad's illness, there was no one, I leaned on more. I'm so glad, my parents, helped me to form this relationship. It really carried me, through those dark days. As I watched my Dad, slowly going to be with our Lord, I needed my BFF!

My Dad became so close to our Lord, in his last year. He'd ALWAYS had a good relationship with our Lord. He LOVED going to church. He praised God. Sang in church. And ALWAYS listened so closely, to God's words. I can still see him in church. Hands held tightly together, eyes closed, deep in prayer.

In the days following my Dad's passing, it was a real struggle. My Dad went to be with our Lord, on a Friday night. Life was a blur. My birthday, the following day. It didn't matter to me. But on Sunday morning, my Mom and I, woke up. Bright and early. And headed to church.

I sat in my Dad's seat. It is where I felt closest to him. And still do! We cried. The. Entire. Time! We met friends, that had prayed for us. People that we didn't know by name. But they had helped us, talked to us, and prayed for us...for years! All of a sudden, they were there to catch us. As we were falling, they were catching us!

It's been over 10 months. And there are days when I think, I got this grief thing, under control. And then something so simple, will have me on the floor. Curled up in a ball. Tears streaming from my eyes. My heart, in a million pieces!

There is no book on grief. Really, there isn't. I don't care how many Amazon carries! We all grieve, in a different way. It takes people through different journeys. We struggle. In a large sense, we go through similar emotions. Pain, hurt, anger. We feel similar feelings. If you go by the 5 Stages of Grief...denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance...we walk similar paths.

But no two paths, are the same. Just like no two relationships are the same. Each day, is new and different. Each emotion, sends us down a different path. We learn, daily, how to get through this life...without our loved ones.

  This song, is a great example of that. My Mom and I, can go days...sometimes a couple of weeks...without that hard crying. Then we go to church. And hear this song. And it's game over for us! That happened yesterday...

It was your typical Sunday. We were in church. The readings started the tears. Both of us, had tear filled eyes. But we could control it. Then the first few chords of this song, sent us over the edge. It's OK. And I'm not ashamed to sit there and cry. It's all part of the process. It's part of losing my Daddy. It's part of loving him too!

You see, for years and years, we sang this in church. It brings back those memories. But then, if you really think about the words, it hits me in the heart! It just speaks directly to me. And to the journey we were on. That we are still on.

In those last few months, it was mostly my Daddy and I. For most of the day. My Mom had to work. She had to! We had a business to run. It's not easy to juggle all of this! But we were trying to make it. And my Daddy and I, we'd talk. A LOT! He was so worried, about my Mom and I. He didn't want to leave us. He LOVED us, so very much!

I learned so much about my Daddy! About his true character. What this man, who he truly was. I thought I had known, before. But I really was learning. I was learning about his relationship with God. What really mattered to him. How hard, he truly loved!

It was then, that this song, came to mind. We'd listen to it. He'd sing it. And later, as he got sicker, I'd sing it to him. I don't know how to explain it, but one day, I just saw it. The look in his eyes was different. He had accepted, the next chapter of life. Eternal life.

But there was still fear there. A fear, that I'd never seen. A look I'd never seen. And a love, that I'd never felt. So I'd sing this to my Daddy. I'd hold him. And we'd cry. I would tell him, not to be afraid. That I would take care of him. Protect him. And I would ALWAYS be there for him!

It was during this time, that these words, really rang true. "Be not afraid. I go before you always. Come follow me, and I will give you rest." My Dad, he lived a long, and tough life. He was the true rock, of our entire family! His wife, children, nieces, nephews, cousins, friends, and grandchildren, they all meant the world to him! There isn't anything, he wouldn't try to do for any of us! He never turned people away. He supported everyone! He wanted to help every person he could! He worked from 3AM-9PM, daily. For as long as I can remember.

Our Lord, calling my Daddy home, was just like these lyrics. It had been a difficult road. Cancer, had turned this strong man, into this soft man. He couldn't do for himself. And depended on my Mom and I, for everything. It was his time, to go home. To rest. To rejoice. To enjoy, the fruits of his labor. And to meet, his Best Friend...

I might just cry, every single time, I hear this song. From now, until I die. But for me, it has true meaning. From the heart. Something that my Lord, made possible. To see the relationship between him, and my Daddy. To feel the love. To let my Daddy know, I'd ALWAYS be here for him! ❤

Thankful Thursday #4: 52 Week Savings Plan

Let's get real here. Money is that thing, that everyone wants. And no one wants to talk about! It's real. It's serious. It hard earned. Most of the time. And, well it keeps the world moving.

Just a handful of years ago, I was working a job. A residency, that provided well for me. Regardless of the relationship I was in, I could easily support myself. I had a home, that was paid for. A car that was paid for. My needs met. Bills paid. And money in my savings account. I was also only in my mid twenties.

That would all change. When my Dad got sick, I dropped everything! And I mean everything. A relationship, my job, friends, my home, my future. And I came home. To my hometown. Where I could continue to work. Albeit, part time. But I was working.

The sicker my Dad got, the less work I was doing. I went from 110+ hours a week. To barely 20 hours a week...in just a matter of months. Along with less work, there was more need for money. My Dad's medical costs kept rising. The costs of maintaining his business, were extremely large!

You see, it was my older brother, trying to cripple the business. The rest of us, trying to survive the crisis. More money was going out, than coming in. So I picked up the pieces. And before I knew it, that almost 6 figure savings, was quickly shrinking.

Then, there was the cost of the medical bills. My Dad had amazing insurance! Which helped with so much. But to be sick. To be chronically ill, and fighting for your life. It costs. And it costs big bucks. For the first 3 months of last year, his hospital bill alone, hit 2 million dollars. We were responsible for a small portion of that. But still, that small portion, was a great amount. That doesn't include doctors, prescriptions, specialists, Home Care, and so much supplies!

In my Dad's final weeks of life, his medication costs were through the roof! Let me tell you, we ran right through my parents' savings. And mine! When you are making trips to Walgreen's, two and three times a week. At $400 a time, it adds up. And quickly!

I am the youngest in my family. Nine kids in total. I'm the ONLY one, that helped out. For 6 years. Lots of costs. Lots of craziness. Lots of help! In all ways. But definitely financially. And when my Dad past away, I was the only one, that had money. Do you know what final costs are like?

Well, those commercials on TV, they lie! And the insurance companies, move like turtles. And it was me. Standing there, trying to figure it all out. My Mom was too heartbroken. My siblings were busy stealing from us. Friends were trying to help. Now my Dad had some amazing friends. One, being the owners of the mortuary that we used. He wanted it that way.

At the end of the day, they covered many of the costs for us. Gave us some great deals. And helped us, as much as possible. But after all the mortuary costs, cemetery costs, musicians, clothes for my Dad, my Mom, and I...I nearly spent $80,000. In 3 days!!! Not counting food. Because that was covered by so many friends, extended family, and local businesses. Also, the Church costs, were covered, by our AMAZING priest!

Now, if you asked me again, I'd clear out all my accounts again. In a heartbeat! In fact, the money I used, was money I had saved, since I was a child. My Dad ALWAYS insisted on saving money. For a rainy day. Or in my case, he told me for college...

Although, when I went to college, I didn't use it. I didn't have access to it. At first. Then my Dad convinced me, to leave it there. "You never know, when you will need it." Wise words, from a very wise man. All my money from birthdays, First Communions, Confirmation, graduation, and anything else you can think of. It was put away in CDs. And it remained there, until last March.

My final blow, was wrapping up things for the business. And buying a headstone. In the end, I was left, with $5,000.00. And many households to run. No job. Well, sort of. And a mess of headaches. I think about this a lot! A LOT!!!

And it sort of stresses me out. We are still waiting for insurance money. And well, my Mom and I aren't big spenders. We can survive off of nearly nothing. Because we just aren't that high maintenance. I'll chalk that up, to my Mom growing up poor. And me, struggling my way, through college. But we have 3 properties to maintain. My parents' home, the property it sits on, and the home that was their office. My home. And my parents' mountain home and property.

That's 4 of everything! 4 gas bills, 4 light bills, 4 water bills, 4 insurance bills, 4 property tax bills. Do you see my point? It's crazy! And my Mom...well she never handled the bills. So there is me. Trying to extend money. As the two of us, are trying to navigate through our, "new normal."

My Mom and I took the summer off. Completely. Almost 100%. I had to work a little. I have to see a certain amount of patients, to keep my credentials. And well, we also needed some money. You know, to live on. So I worked. Bare minimum. Later, my Mom finally broke. And decided she needed to get out of the house. And went back to work. Part time.

Little 'ol me? I decided I NEEDED to work. And went back. Not quite full time. More than part time. Somewhere to keep us going. But I'm back at square one. I mean we are doing well. I pay the bills. My Mom and I split the cost of gas, groceries, going on little adventures. That sort of deal. But I know what I need to do next. I NEED TO SAVE!!!

I came across this in December. And thought, you know, I need to start doing this. I'm fighting a losing battle, without a plan. Get it in gear! I picked up 2 large Mason Jars, and printed this page. January 1st started a new journey for me.

I'm up to $10 in each jar. Why 2 jars? One directly for savings. One for a little fun. My Mom and I, really need to go out and do something fun. At some point. So now, I have these 2 jars. It's something small. Something to get back, into the grove of saving.

And honestly, it makes things doable. Because who can't afford a few dollars a week? I mean, by the end of the year, it's going to be $52. For a week. So maybe December is a little tougher. But really, I can still afford a couple of hundred dollars.

A few years ago, I did a $5 savings challenge. Literally, every single $5 bill I got, went to savings. It was tough when I'd get $50 worth of $5 bills as change. But it really did change things for me. And in no time, I had a nice little stash.

Will I accumulate the amount of money, I once had? Not by this 52 Week Savings Plan. But it is a start. I didn't save that other money, in a short amount of time. It took years. Struggle. And sacrifice. I'll get back to it. One day. But I'll get there. And by January 1, 2017...$2,756. Not bad!

So if are interested, get started. Honestly, we're only at the $10 mark. Don't go out to eat one day. Or put the cookies and soda back on the shelf. Walk away from the new shirt. And let's get started. I'd LOVE to hear your stories. Or what you plan on doing with your money. I really do think, this is a nice way, to get the year started! ❤

Wishful Wednesday 24: North Pole Breakfast 2014

There are a ton of things I wish for in life. 90% of them, are not material items. I wish for things like a loving man, to share my life with. Really share it. All parts of my life. I want kids. I've wanted ninitos, since before I can remember. When I was little, I would dream of having a dozen babies! And living on this guy's grandparents' Ranch. Crazy, huh!

But I'm nearly 32 years old. I'm the primary caregiver of my Dad. I have left 99% of my life behind, to care of my Dad. The man that I thought, hung the moon, stars, and heck...the entire sky! My Dad who was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer...not even 6 months ago!

I used to dream of my "Prince Charming." My Dad walking me down the aisle, in my perfect white dress. To have all those babies. And to create the most AMAZING life!

But in all reality, even prior to coming home, to take care of my Dad...my life was not on "that track." Not at all! I didn't have a man to love...that shared in my life 100%. Not one that came home with me, for holidays with my family. I was not close to marriage. And what seemed like a million miles from parenthood.

And no matter how much, I felt that hole in my heart, I couldn't find my way out. I'd set up wonderful days with my friends ninitos. We'd bake, decorate, and sometimes deliver treats. We'd have big sleepovers at my home...20 little girls and me. Tia was dearly outnumbered! But I LOVED it! We'd play dolls, bake, watch princess movies, play with my shoes, dance around my home, do lots of crafting, and comb each others hair.

It was not always rainbows and puppy dog tails. Heck no! I think we can all remember the day, that 5 boxes...not containers...of sprinkles made it into my carpet. Or the night I had 1 little bitty girl, throwing up all over the place...and 15 more, fast asleep. There was even that time, when the fire ants attacked 3 kiddos in my care.

But my heart still yearns for those things I dreamt of, as a little girl. Babies of my own. A husband to share this life with. And fun traditions, that would be for my family.

And then I read Andrea's blog last week. And I literally cried! Right there in the middle of the infusion room. With my Dad's oncologist looking at me, like I've totally flipped out. I didn't just cry. I balled! Because that life, that I've always wanted, seems so far away! And this post, reminded me of everything I've given up in this life...

 

Honestly, this is the sweetest little tradition! Something that I did with my own Goddaughters, years ago. Setting the scene for the holiday season. A morning full of fun, laughter, and cheer! And as much as this post, made me cry...I feel good.

 

Why? Because one day, I hope to get back to this life. I hope to make it even better. I want to be an amazing mom like Andrea. To have fun holidays. To teach my kids about God. To show them the love, that I've carried my entire life...just for them.

 

I'm not sad this week. I'm hopeful. I feel like I have this little wish, planted deep in my soul. And I know one day, God has a plan for me. Whether my life is shared with my own kids, or with the ninitos God sends into my path. My little cousins, nieces, nephews, Goddaughters, friends. And as fun as this looks...this year for me, is all about grace. I'm learning to be happy with the little things in life. And how to file these little gems, away for a time that is not so chaotic. So touch and go. God is great! And I know he has a plan for me. I will leave it all up to him. ❤