I heard this song, a week or two ago. And it just made me think. I sat at the top of the hill, early in the morning. Watching the sunrise. And just listened. There was something about this song, that just called to me. The music. The lyrics. Hillary's voice.
The last few years, have been something else. At times, just unbearable. And at other times, I've felt so raw. So exposed. This song, just reminds me...of how vulnerable we can be. And how we can carry all of this with us.
But through it all, no matter what...we MUST trust in God. He will carry us, through it all. The pain, the hurt, the loneliness. I know, the tough days, are not all behind me. But there are some truly AMAZING days, in front of me. And I need to remember, to trust in God.
As hard as life can be, we can't lose our faith. Our paths, are difficult at times. And at times, I HATE so much about life. But life, is truly a miracle. Because of our Lord. And his love for us.
I pray every single day. For my family. And my friends. For myself. Lately, it's been a lot for myself. And my struggles. I get on my knees, and pray. That I can hear, see, and feel God's plans for me. That he has a plan for me. Maybe it will include a husband, children, and love. Maybe it includes more pain and hurt.
Whatever it is, he will walk along side me. And when it becomes too much to bare, he will carry me. I know this, first hand. Because I know, it was God that has gotten me through the last 6 years. On the toughest days, I turned to God. And asked for his help, his love, and his compassion. For myself. My Dad. My family. My friends. And my enemies.
I am so amazed by God and his love for me. We are so very blessed. Even on the worst of days, we have the most amazing love...that we could ever ask for! God will guide us. And help us, through the darkest of days. I know this. And this song, is just a reminder, of all the love...that God has for us. ❤
There are days. And there are times, when we feel so alone. On an island. So far away. No one seems to relate to you. To understand, what you are going through. Nobody, really wants to know.
Then you go somewhere, you have gone for years. And you see these people, that you see weekly. All of a sudden, they become your "comfort zone." That place you fall, when you just can't go, any further. Our Church Family has become just that...
They are more than just the people we see weekly. The ones we pray with. And give peace to. The people we wave to. And smile at. They watch us every single week. The struggles we've carried. The pain on our face. And the sorrow, in our eyes.
We've ALWAYS gone to church. We've known certain people. Really well. For years and years. And others, we would just see at church. Wave at them. Smile. Give peace to. But we never knew their names. Never really talked to them. We knew very little about them.
And they were there, for my Mom and I, when no one else was. It was a struggle. The first time we went to church, after my Dad's passing. It had been just over 36 hours. Nothing felt right. Life was a blur. And all we did was cry...
Everything reminded us, of my Dad. And complete strangers, came and sat next to us. Held us. Let us cry. Comforted us. Prayed for us...
Before we knew it, people were taking us under their wings. Protecting us, as best as they could. They were living out God's words. The things we heard every week, in church. Now, they were living it.
And it has honestly, been such a comfort, every single week...to go to church. There are still tears. There is still a feeling of loss. And of heartache. But we are surrounded by the most AMAZING people!
We now see, lots of these people, during the week. Out in the community. Or they come by the house. On the bad days, they are comforting. Or like our deacon, try and make us smile. They have brought us food. Offered to help with yard work. And mostly, prayed for us.
It's funny. Really it is. Growing up, I always thought, going to church made our family stronger. It made us closer. It helped our love, flourish. But in reality, we were making our church stronger. Our faith made us strong. But our family, has made our church, such a strong and beautiful place.
You see, a church, is just a building. It's a place people go to worship. But when people are not there, it's just a building. It's the families, that go there, that make it strong. It's all the time, love, and prayer, that people put in, that make it such a strong place.
And somehow, all that work we put into the church...for all those years, is coming back to us. In terms of, people who love and care about us. If we miss a day at church, they are concerned. They come and look for us. If they notice, something is wrong, they try to make it right. They are always looking out for us.
And honestly, through this entire journey, it's been our church family...that has held us together. During my Dad's illness, they prayed for us. Our priest would visit us regularly. When we'd go to church, they'd help us. Hold the door open. Get my Dad into church. Give a reassuring hug.
Over the last few months, it's been about care, comfort, and compassion. Something that our own family, has not shown us. Just goes to show, how close we really are. To these people, that we sit and pray with, every Sunday.
During the last 10 months, we've become more involved in church. We've gone on pilgrimages. Donated more time, to church. Become more involved. Supported the various groups. And in return, have become closer to these people. And to God.
It's not always easy. Life is hard. Losing loved ones, is almost impossible, to deal with. But God provides us, with exactly, what we need. Exactly, when we need it.
There are still familiar faces, with no names attached to them. But there are so many supportive hugs. Nice conversations. And so much prayer, that little things like names, don't matter. I truly, Thank God, for our Church Family! ❤
I'm a very religious person! It really has carried me, through some of the toughest times. Some of my darkest days. And through some of life's biggest struggles. I've ALWAYS leaned on my Lord. He is my rock, my salvation, my BFF!
And during the difficult days, of my Dad's illness, there was no one, I leaned on more. I'm so glad, my parents, helped me to form this relationship. It really carried me, through those dark days. As I watched my Dad, slowly going to be with our Lord, I needed my BFF!
My Dad became so close to our Lord, in his last year. He'd ALWAYS had a good relationship with our Lord. He LOVED going to church. He praised God. Sang in church. And ALWAYS listened so closely, to God's words. I can still see him in church. Hands held tightly together, eyes closed, deep in prayer.
In the days following my Dad's passing, it was a real struggle. My Dad went to be with our Lord, on a Friday night. Life was a blur. My birthday, the following day. It didn't matter to me. But on Sunday morning, my Mom and I, woke up. Bright and early. And headed to church.
I sat in my Dad's seat. It is where I felt closest to him. And still do! We cried. The. Entire. Time! We met friends, that had prayed for us. People that we didn't know by name. But they had helped us, talked to us, and prayed for us...for years! All of a sudden, they were there to catch us. As we were falling, they were catching us!
It's been over 10 months. And there are days when I think, I got this grief thing, under control. And then something so simple, will have me on the floor. Curled up in a ball. Tears streaming from my eyes. My heart, in a million pieces!
There is no book on grief. Really, there isn't. I don't care how many Amazon carries! We all grieve, in a different way. It takes people through different journeys. We struggle. In a large sense, we go through similar emotions. Pain, hurt, anger. We feel similar feelings. If you go by the 5 Stages of Grief...denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance...we walk similar paths.
But no two paths, are the same. Just like no two relationships are the same. Each day, is new and different. Each emotion, sends us down a different path. We learn, daily, how to get through this life...without our loved ones.
This song, is a great example of that. My Mom and I, can go days...sometimes a couple of weeks...without that hard crying. Then we go to church. And hear this song. And it's game over for us! That happened yesterday...
It was your typical Sunday. We were in church. The readings started the tears. Both of us, had tear filled eyes. But we could control it. Then the first few chords of this song, sent us over the edge. It's OK. And I'm not ashamed to sit there and cry. It's all part of the process. It's part of losing my Daddy. It's part of loving him too!
You see, for years and years, we sang this in church. It brings back those memories. But then, if you really think about the words, it hits me in the heart! It just speaks directly to me. And to the journey we were on. That we are still on.
In those last few months, it was mostly my Daddy and I. For most of the day. My Mom had to work. She had to! We had a business to run. It's not easy to juggle all of this! But we were trying to make it. And my Daddy and I, we'd talk. A LOT! He was so worried, about my Mom and I. He didn't want to leave us. He LOVED us, so very much!
I learned so much about my Daddy! About his true character. What this man, who he truly was. I thought I had known, before. But I really was learning. I was learning about his relationship with God. What really mattered to him. How hard, he truly loved!
It was then, that this song, came to mind. We'd listen to it. He'd sing it. And later, as he got sicker, I'd sing it to him. I don't know how to explain it, but one day, I just saw it. The look in his eyes was different. He had accepted, the next chapter of life. Eternal life.
But there was still fear there. A fear, that I'd never seen. A look I'd never seen. And a love, that I'd never felt. So I'd sing this to my Daddy. I'd hold him. And we'd cry. I would tell him, not to be afraid. That I would take care of him. Protect him. And I would ALWAYS be there for him!
It was during this time, that these words, really rang true. "Be not afraid. I go before you always. Come follow me, and I will give you rest." My Dad, he lived a long, and tough life. He was the true rock, of our entire family! His wife, children, nieces, nephews, cousins, friends, and grandchildren, they all meant the world to him! There isn't anything, he wouldn't try to do for any of us! He never turned people away. He supported everyone! He wanted to help every person he could! He worked from 3AM-9PM, daily. For as long as I can remember.
Our Lord, calling my Daddy home, was just like these lyrics. It had been a difficult road. Cancer, had turned this strong man, into this soft man. He couldn't do for himself. And depended on my Mom and I, for everything. It was his time, to go home. To rest. To rejoice. To enjoy, the fruits of his labor. And to meet, his Best Friend...
I might just cry, every single time, I hear this song. From now, until I die. But for me, it has true meaning. From the heart. Something that my Lord, made possible. To see the relationship between him, and my Daddy. To feel the love. To let my Daddy know, I'd ALWAYS be here for him! ❤
