But I'm nearly 32 years old. I'm the primary caregiver of my Dad. I have left 99% of my life behind, to care of my Dad. The man that I thought, hung the moon, stars, and heck...the entire sky! My Dad who was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer...not even 6 months ago!
I used to dream of my "Prince Charming." My Dad walking me down the aisle, in my perfect white dress. To have all those babies. And to create the most AMAZING life!
But in all reality, even prior to coming home, to take care of my Dad...my life was not on "that track." Not at all! I didn't have a man to love...that shared in my life 100%. Not one that came home with me, for holidays with my family. I was not close to marriage. And what seemed like a million miles from parenthood.
And no matter how much, I felt that hole in my heart, I couldn't find my way out. I'd set up wonderful days with my friends ninitos. We'd bake, decorate, and sometimes deliver treats. We'd have big sleepovers at my home...20 little girls and me. Tia was dearly outnumbered! But I LOVED it! We'd play dolls, bake, watch princess movies, play with my shoes, dance around my home, do lots of crafting, and comb each others hair.
It was not always rainbows and puppy dog tails. Heck no! I think we can all remember the day, that 5 boxes...not containers...of sprinkles made it into my carpet. Or the night I had 1 little bitty girl, throwing up all over the place...and 15 more, fast asleep. There was even that time, when the fire ants attacked 3 kiddos in my care.
But my heart still yearns for those things I dreamt of, as a little girl. Babies of my own. A husband to share this life with. And fun traditions, that would be for my family.
And then I read Andrea's blog last week. And I literally cried! Right there in the middle of the infusion room. With my Dad's oncologist looking at me, like I've totally flipped out. I didn't just cry. I balled! Because that life, that I've always wanted, seems so far away! And this post, reminded me of everything I've given up in this life...
Honestly, this is the sweetest little tradition! Something that I did with my own Goddaughters, years ago. Setting the scene for the holiday season. A morning full of fun, laughter, and cheer! And as much as this post, made me cry...I feel good.
Why? Because one day, I hope to get back to this life. I hope to make it even better. I want to be an amazing mom like Andrea. To have fun holidays. To teach my kids about God. To show them the love, that I've carried my entire life...just for them.
I'm not sad this week. I'm hopeful. I feel like I have this little wish, planted deep in my soul. And I know one day, God has a plan for me. Whether my life is shared with my own kids, or with the ninitos God sends into my path. My little cousins, nieces, nephews, Goddaughters, friends. And as fun as this looks...this year for me, is all about grace. I'm learning to be happy with the little things in life. And how to file these little gems, away for a time that is not so chaotic. So touch and go. God is great! And I know he has a plan for me. I will leave it all up to him. ❤
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